Admitting defeat.

I will be selling the rig. Here are the placards I made for them.

I have no idea what to ask for them, since I am trying to put them in consignment. If I can't, then I have to let them go to the highest bidder. I don't have time to sit around for six months to see if I can get an amazing price for any or all of it. Plus, I cannot ship anything anyway. I don't think have the funds to even print these placards. I will have to go check, I guess.







(I love it when people talk smack about my Casio rig. I tell them that I have seen many impressive keyboard setups in my time, with most not having half of the mileage or the memories that mine has. Michael Allman played this rig one time. The piano player from the Squirrel Nut Zippers played this rig a few times. These two Casios have made Music for 15,000+ people on more than one occasion, with 'up and coming bands' like The Black Crows watching from the sidelines [because they were next]. One can roll their eyes if they want to. I wear the Casio logo proudly. Nuff said.)

I feel as if my soul is being ripped out. Goodbye dreams. (They were gone already, but this makes it permanent.)

UPDATE: Looks like I am in the wrong time again. I have been reading about selling instruments as well as calling one place here in town. They all say the same thing. Everyone is selling. That means that if I try to sell them, I will get pennies on the dollar, basically.

I have never been, nor will I ever be a 'salesperson'. If anything like this is required to try and get a decent amount for these treasures, then I am royally screwed. We are that way already, but things are just getting worse and worse.

Wow. I started posting here and the place died like my career!**trigger warning**

I apologize for that. This curse is a tough one.

Today, I went to get a script filled. My husband went with me. Tomorrow is our 21st wedding anniversary. Neither of us can do anything about it. We have just over one hundred dollars to last us till after the first. We will be sitting here in our shitty apartment trying to act like the other is not here. Well, he will be doing this, I won't. He is ignoring me, because apparently everything is my fault.

In some ways, he is right. My body is failing fast and I take too many pills and other things to try and ease the effects, and now I am unable to fix my mouth, which is partly why he is so distant. I look like a stereotypical rural redneck. It is no wonder that he doesn't want to kiss me and doesn't want to be around me. I am not worth the trouble. It is also part of the reason I have had such issues with cultivating friendships, as I guess people are just too superficial to handle my dental issues. I am also quite convinced that this is why no one will hire me to do anything, or volunteer anywhere. I may be wrong, but it fits the facts.

I am not asking for anything (other than a peaceful and painless death as soon as possible). I hate doing that. I really hate it.

The state was supposed to be there for those who reached my position. That turned out to be a joke. I will be applying for SS now, since I have turned 62. It will be an insulting amount, considering I have been paying into that system since I was twelve. It will be so insulting that I will question why I am bothering to even attempt this crap once again. But, there is my husband. I have failed everyone, even myself, but the failure that I have brought to this man is beyond all that. I failed to be anything other than an albatross.

Now, I am becoming unsure about everything. I was aware that my mental faculties were starting to suffer, but now it is getting bad enough that I have to consider not doing things because of the dangers involved. It also means that things are even more screwed around here because there is no one else. We don't know anyone around here, other than a few acquaintances who are not in the equation, and I am past my wits end.

The reason that I am here now is because I was too much of a coward the three times I 'tried'. Things are possibly getting to the point where I may be able to forgo the concerns about potentially failing and finally be able to save the planet and my husband.

It really hurts to realize that no one gives one hoot about myself. Even my husband is about to give up caring.

This is how they erode the institutions that we cherish and are part of our society.

I hope this has not been posted yet, because I am on the floor! Brilliant!

So, I received some news last week and it is... interesting.

As I have stated here before, in my opinion, and in my life, without any validation of one's efforts or intentions, a person will become convinced that they have had no effect on reality at all. Which can add to one's mental state, since some professions and some 'life callings' pretty much require that for progress and for acceptance that one has done something good and positive in the world. (Which is what we all should be doing, to be honest... doing good and positive things in the word.) When one is trying to do this, and yet one never sees any results or even hears that anything they have done amounts to any progress, change, or enlightenment... well, that tends to create either people like myself, or people like Stephen Paddock ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Las_Vegas_shooting ).

So, last week a friend was talking about his friend (whom I knew through that first friend, but we were not 'friends' ourselves) who had passed away a few weeks before. (There is evidence that his employer, upon hearing his complaints about gut pains and so on, decided that just taking him home would be good enough. The man died in his house and no one found him for four days. There are official inquiries being made about this.) The guy who had passed was someone who considered themselves 'Christian', and followed those doctrines as devoutly as he could. Such a person is usually known to be... shall we say... anti-gay. And, this guy was no exception. Not that he was one of those rabid people who obsess over other's lives because their own is so pathetic, but he believed.

So, my friend tells me that, a while before he died, the guy admitted to him that he was always one to believe that homosexuality was a sin, and that those who live that life are going to hell and that they are 'wicked' and so on. Bear in mind, of course, that he did not know any LGBTQA+ persons. Then, he met me about twenty-five years ago. I was not living in the area, so it was during visits to my friend that we got to hang out. This dude tells my friend that, he had always believed what he was told about people like myself and had never questioned it. But, after hanging out with me over the years, he had decided that maybe what he had been told was not accurate. He told my friend that he had changed his outlook on the topic because he did not see in me what those preachers had been telling him for decades. This caused him to question what they had been telling him.

So, it seems that I have done one thing good and positive. This knowledge helps me. That is the thing that people don't seem to understand about what I have been saying. I help others all the time and never see what becomes of it. But, knowing that something I did had an effect and had a tangible result... well, that helps me deal with my failures and desire to stop wasting everyone's time with my continued existence. It has an effect. Knowing this also has an effect, one that needs to be felt more often. Now, I get to feel it and it will help me (maybe, I think I am too far gone, but we will see).

It is nice to know that I got at least one thing right after 62 years on this fucking blue marble.

I am worried about the new lawn care company here at the complex.

Umm... WTF is this?

So, even as a 'member', I guess I have to expect malware from the DU now.

This is the second time it requested me to allow downloads from 'The Democratic Underground' and 'some shady site that I have never heard of before'.

Is this how it is going to be from now on?

Memorial Day Weekend.

It used to be a big thing, as in the band would have gigs, we would usually be at the beach somewhere, and would be living as only crazy rockers can.

Now, I sit here alone while my husband works his butt off. We are drowning and will have an interesting few weeks ahead as I cannot afford certain medications and cannot afford to go have my failing back looked at, nor can I find out more about this pain in my side. I could be immobile before the weekend is out if I cannot seek out some help as to what is going on and what can be done about it. (Which is nothing, as I am not rich.)

Healthcare is for the rich anyway, so I might as well just accept that my time is ending and figure out what to do about those things I want to give to others. I am not sure if we can even afford to keep the car running for these next two weeks.

But, this is what our society wanted. One would think they would at least be more accepting of the fact that some of us just cannot survive any longer. There is nothing more ironic and hysterical than the fact that, if you attempt ending your life and succeed, then that is that. If you attempt it and fail, you risk being arrested for the attempt.

Arrested. For being so distraught and worthless that one sees no other way out.

THAT is modern 'justice' in this country. They cannot allow their workers to 'check out', so they make sure to scare people with the idea of attempting it, as opposed to helping those who are in this situation (probably because most of the time, the bad situation that people are trying to escape is created by same society that is telling us not to leave it).

Well, we will see how the next few weeks go. I will be out of some meds by next week. With any luck, that will finally do the trick.

Found on Reddit today.