Spurious News: Trump declares war against Japan...over a baseball

[jmowreader]

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- On October 17, Shohei Ohtani of the Los Angeles Dodgers had what many baseball analysts are calling the "greatest game ever" when he struck out 10 batters over six innings while crushing three massive home runs to close out the National League Championship Series and send his team back to the World Series for the second year in a row. Some of the things he did that night, like hitting more home runs than he allowed hits, have never been done before and will never be done again until Ohtani does them again. Which is possible.

"The only thing we can possibly figure out," said Dodgers manager Dave Roberts, "is he didn't want to wear his batting helmet very long last night so he just pounded homer after homer so he wouldn't have to. We offered to get him a new one but Shohei, being the shy and retiring individual he is, said the helmet he has is fine."

The second one he hit has caused an international incident. Ohtani was facing a full count in the fourth inning when he made the mightiest swing of a bat in history. The ball left his bat with an exit velocity of 38,540 miles per hour and a 47-degree launch angle. Fifteen minutes later, the ball had entered an orbit 190 miles above the surface of the earth. "That one's going to be worth a lot of money to a collector," said Ohtani through his interpreter to Dodgers broadcaster Kirsten Watson after the game, "but someone will have to go up there and get it first."

The Japanese Embassy immediately declared Ohtani's massive hit "Japan's newest satellite." They believe that since a Japanese citizen placed the ball in orbit it's theirs. King Donald Trump, currently doing business as the president of the United States, claimed that because the ball was launched into orbit from US soil and was purchased by an American corporation before being launched out of the atmosphere it is now the property of the Trump Organization.

Because the Japanese government refuses to sign over title to the ball to the Trump Organization, King Donald has ordered the US Army's 82d Airborne Division to conduct a parachute assault on Tokyo and seize the National Diet, Japan's legislature, to force them to do as Trump wishes.

The 82d Airborne believes this to be insane and refuses to do it. Said Maj. Gen. Brandon Tegtmeier, commanding general of the division, "starting a war over a baseball is the epitome of an illegal order, which we are required to refuse. And I have no idea what that idiot's trip is anyway; because of the nature of orbital mechanics it's going to fall out of orbit before we can get to Japan anyway."