Spurious News: Trump declares war against Japan...over a baseball

[jmowreader]

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- On October 17, Shohei Ohtani of the Los Angeles Dodgers had what many baseball analysts are calling the "greatest game ever" when he struck out 10 batters over six innings while crushing three massive home runs to close out the National League Championship Series and send his team back to the World Series for the second year in a row. Some of the things he did that night, like hitting more home runs than he allowed hits, have never been done before and will never be done again until Ohtani does them again. Which is possible.

"The only thing we can possibly figure out," said Dodgers manager Dave Roberts, "is he didn't want to wear his batting helmet very long last night so he just pounded homer after homer so he wouldn't have to. We offered to get him a new one but Shohei, being the shy and retiring individual he is, said the helmet he has is fine."

The second one he hit has caused an international incident. Ohtani was facing a full count in the fourth inning when he made the mightiest swing of a bat in history. The ball left his bat with an exit velocity of 38,540 miles per hour and a 47-degree launch angle. Fifteen minutes later, the ball had entered an orbit 190 miles above the surface of the earth. "That one's going to be worth a lot of money to a collector," said Ohtani through his interpreter to Dodgers broadcaster Kirsten Watson after the game, "but someone will have to go up there and get it first."

The Japanese Embassy immediately declared Ohtani's massive hit "Japan's newest satellite." They believe that since a Japanese citizen placed the ball in orbit it's theirs. King Donald Trump, currently doing business as the president of the United States, claimed that because the ball was launched into orbit from US soil and was purchased by an American corporation before being launched out of the atmosphere it is now the property of the Trump Organization.

Because the Japanese government refuses to sign over title to the ball to the Trump Organization, King Donald has ordered the US Army's 82d Airborne Division to conduct a parachute assault on Tokyo and seize the National Diet, Japan's legislature, to force them to do as Trump wishes.

The 82d Airborne believes this to be insane and refuses to do it. Said Maj. Gen. Brandon Tegtmeier, commanding general of the division, "starting a war over a baseball is the epitome of an illegal order, which we are required to refuse. And I have no idea what that idiot's trip is anyway; because of the nature of orbital mechanics it's going to fall out of orbit before we can get to Japan anyway."

[Jack Valentino]

1. I take it that the first paragraph is all true? That is incredibly amazing for a pitcher...

I've been in a total baseball news blackout here, I don't have cable or anythng

[ProfessorGAC]

4. Yes. Ohtani Was A Monster Last Night

Pitched: gave up 2 hits, struck out 10, in 6+ innings.
Hitting: 3 for 3, all home runs, one of which went 470 feet.
In the top of the 1st, he struck out all 3 Brewers batters.
Then, in the bottom of the first, he led off with a homer. In the 149 years of major league baseball, no pitcher had ever led off the game with a home run!
Heck of a night.

[Jack Valentino]

5. Yeah, in American baseball, very few pitchers have any rep as hitters---

and of course in the American League, pitchers don't even bat, so...


In the "all-American game" which WE (mostly) created,
it is particularly ironic that a Japanese player would set such a record--- !!!
(reason enough for Trump to declare war, LOL)
but, they became really big on baseball after WW2...
Yeah, I have the Tom Selleck movie about it...

In the last major league game I attended, I was impressed with the AZ Cardinals pitcher
having hit a double--- but of course they must be National League if he was even up to bat


I'm going to have to search for some Youtube from this game

[ProfessorGAC]

7. Same In The NL, Now

Both leagues have the DH.
But, all pitchers batted for the first 97 years of MLB, then half did for another 49 years.
So, there's a huge dataset prior.
Now, it's certainly true that few pitchers were good enough as hitters to be leading off for their teams.
Another obvious, but still remarkable record, us that he became the only player in history to strike out 10 hitters & hit multiple home runs in the game.

[Jack Valentino]

8. Thanks, I missed when the NL started using designated hitters...

or forgot hearing about it. Now maybe there might be some hint about it
in the dark recesses of my memory...

but if they now both have designated hitters, why is the Dodgers pitcher batting in a playoff game ??

[ProfessorGAC]

12. Because He's The Best Power Hitter On Their Team

And, overall one of their best 3 for average & on-base percentage.
Pretty sure I heard that he batted for himself & someone else was the DH. So, if he came out of the game, they did a double switch, assigning a new fielder for the lead-off spot batting in Ohtani's spot & the DH would still hit for the pitcher.
Ohtani is not close to a typical pitcher that needs somebody to hit in his place.
BTW: The NL added the DH in 2022, or 49 years after the AL did it.

[Jack Valentino]

13. CLEARLY, he's not a 'typical pitcher'...... since he can hammer them over the fence with a bat!

I was not questioning the logic of having him bat three times,
but if the NL now has a designated hitter,
I don't understand how it is possible for him to bat three times as the pitcher---

yeah ok, mid-game changes in the line-up which I can't follow...

but whatever. Seems baseball rules have changed since I was paying more close attention to it....


In any case, an incredible TRIUMPH for a player on BOTH SIDES of the plate.....!

[ProfessorGAC]

16. You're Right!

The rules have changed a lot!
Pitch clocks, limits on visits to the mound, restrictions on how few hitters a pitcher can face before the manager can make a change, bigger bases, limited pickoff attempts, no defensiveshifts....
They did a lot to speed up the game and put baserunning back in the game. It's working, too. Games are 35 minutes shorter than 3 years ago.

[RazorbackExpat]

15. It's St. Louis Cardinals for baseball

Arizona Cardinals are football

[jmowreader]

9. 3 for 4, actually

They walked him in the second inning.

What I kinda wish is that the Dodgers would bat him cleanup every once in a while. I understand the current practice is to put your best hitters at the top of the order so they're guaranteed more PA (which didn't help much on Friday night; they damn near batted around in the first inning but Ohtani only made four PA in the whole game) but he has way more solo shots than he probably deserves. If they'd stick him in the 3-hole or 4-hole sometimes he wouldn't have to count on the bottom of the order getting on before he comes to bat.

[ProfessorGAC]

10. Sorry, No. It's Three For Three

A walk doesn't count as an at-bat. Only as a plate appearance, which is used for on-base percentage.
So, 3 hits in 3 at bats.. BA: 1.000. OBP: 1.000. 12 total bases in 3 AB is Slugging Percentage of 4.000
Total bases for slugging percentage do not count walks, so although he had 13 total bases, only 12 count in the calculation.

[Celerity]

14. no, 3 for 3, as walks do not count as an at-bat

Shohei Ohtani and the most dominant MLB playoff game ever

https://www.espn.co.uk/mlb/story/_/id/46632002/2025-mlb-playoffs-nlcs-los-angeles-dodgers-shohei-ohtani-two-way-dominance

[jmowreader]

11. Scratch out the words "for a pitcher" and you're still accurate

The Elias Sports Bureau says three homers have been hit by one player in one postseason game 13 times by 12 players in the history of MLB. Babe Ruth was the player who did it twice.

Even if you eliminate his pitching work, which isn't really possible here, he had an excellent night. Combine the gem he threw with his performance at the dish, and you're never gonna match this one.

[ProfessorGAC]

2. Funny Stuff

He did have a truly historic game last night.

[miyazaki]

3. Coach lit a fire under his ass. He's been under performing all post season.

Plus he probably wanted a free weekend and decided to end this shit on a Friday night.

[Jack Valentino]

6. Guess he was "saving it up" for last night, since three home-runs in any post-season game

or in any regular season game, for that matter,

is a pretty small club--- let alone for a pitcher!