There’s Only One Way to Stop a Bully

[groovedaddy]

HERE in Massachusetts, teachers and administrators are spending their summers becoming familiar with the new state law that requires schools to institute an anti-bullying curriculum, investigate acts of bullying and report the most serious cases to law enforcement officers.

This new law was passed in April after a group of South Hadley, Mass., students were indicted in the bullying of a 15-year-old girl, Phoebe Prince, who committed suicide. To the extent that it underlines the importance of the problem and demands that schools figure out how to address it, it is a move in the right direction. But legislation alone can’t create kinder communities or teach children how to get along. That will take a much deeper rethinking of what schools should do for their students.

It’s important, first, to recognize that while cellphones and the Internet have made bullying more anonymous and unsupervised, there is little evidence that children are meaner than they used to be. Indeed, there is ample research — not to mention plenty of novels and memoirs — about how children have always victimized one another in large and small ways, how often they are oblivious to the rights and feelings of others and how rarely they defend a victim.

In a 1995 study in Canada, researchers placed video cameras in a school playground and discovered that overt acts of bullying occurred at an astonishing rate of 4.5 incidents per hour. Just as interesting, children typically stood idly by and watched the mistreatment of their classmates — apparently, the inclination and ability to protect one another and to enforce a culture of tolerance does not come naturally. These are values that must be taught.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/23/opinion/23engel.html?th&emc=th

[wtmusic]

1. Seems bullying is less of a problem than it used to be.

At my kids' schools, administrators are very agressive - to the point of expulsion in certain circumstances.

When I was growing up, you defended yourself, and in certain ways it wasn't a bad skill to be forced to learn.

[xxqqqzme]

2. "...values that must be taught...

That starts in the home. Schools and teachers can try to take that on during school hours but the rest of the day is taught elsewhere.

[bluestateguy]

3. WHere is the part about allowing children to defend themselves from violence?

All this is fine, but once a punch is thrown at you all that touchy feely stuff won't do you a whole lot of good.

[groovedaddy]

4. Nothing quite like a swift kick to the groin as a defensive measure. n/t

[1monster]

6. If you are the victim of physical violence in the schools, you must not

defend youself. I've heard of quite a few instances of a person raising his/her hands in a purely defensive mode (i.e. hands and arms crossed in front of the face) being suspended or expelled for "fighting."

Years ago, my very small second grade son was set upon by two classmates. One was twice my son's size and the other nearly three times his size. They jumped him coming out of the school on the way to the playground after having cafeteria duty (every child took their turn with cafeteria duty). The teachers were all on the playground out of sight from the cafeteria doors.

The two boys had him down on the ground. One was pushing down on his head and neck so that his face was nearly hitting the cement while the other was sitting on him.

My son, terrified they were going to hurt him badly, reached back and grabbed the 3x his size kid by the crotch and squeezed at the same time he bit the 2x his size kid on the hip and kept going until they both let go and ran to the teacher.

I got a call from the teacher complaining of the animalistic behavior of my son, even though she new the whold story. I was only told that he had bitten a child. She didn't tell me about the other boy because it was his birthday. :eyes: My son was given a week of extra work and no recess.

Later at home, my son told me the whole story. He said that all three boys had gotten the same punishment. I e-mailed the teacher telling her how unfair it was that my son was punished for defending himself from two so much bigger KNOWN bullies. She dropped the punishment on all the boys.

Lesson: If you defend yourself, you will be punished as harshly as the bully and in higher grades that can mean criminal charges and possible jail time.

Choice: Defend and get punished. Don't defend and get seriously injured. Some choice.

On edit: While those two boys did continue to tease my son (one until eighth grade when the bully failed a year; the other matured a bit more quickly and the he and my son are now cordial, not quite friends, but in no way enemies), neither of them ever laid a hand on him again.

[proud2BlibKansan]

8. This story also proves that teachers can't possibly see everything

I disagree with how the teacher handled this. But I think a big lesson for parents is that it's certainly possible for kids to attack each other at school as these bullies did. It's very frustrating when parents expect us to see everything that goes on. And the bullies just seem to get sneakier.

[femmocrat]

10. They never bully each other in front of the teachers!

Bullies are basically cowards who have to operate in the shadows.

The best thing for a kid to do is to tell a teacher, but unless we SEE the activity, there really isn't much we can do. It comes down to one child's word against another. (I know, why would the victim make it up?) If there is an injury, the child goes directly to the nurse so there is documentation.

I usually turn these reports in to guidance or the principal. They have more information as to whether there is a pattern of such behavior. It's frustrating for the teachers, too--- especially if the principal doesn't seem to be doing anything about it.

[1monster]

11. I'm a substitute teacher. I've seen plenty and not seen a lot more. I don't

expect the teacher to see everything, but I did talk to her and she admitted knowing that the two boys jumped my son. I think that maybe, since my son bit the one bully, she felt she had to punish him to possibly satisfy that child's parent.

I disagreed. BTW, I liked the teacher then and still do. She's a terrific teacher. She was just wrong on that issue.

[txlibdem]

9. All 3 got extra work and no recess

But no mandatory session with the school counselor or a psychotherapist. Bullying behavior is an indicator that something is wrong in that child's life to make him or her feel the need to lash out at other children. That they chose a smaller, weaker target says that they feel powerless in their life and that doesn't just happen without some kind of previous trauma to the bullying child.

The teacher did nothing to move the situation towards a resolution that will help the bully see that his behavior is unacceptable. Quite the contrary, the "pain" (punishment) was shared by the victim as well so that may in some twisted way reinforce the bad behavior. Or may make the bully angry at the victim and worsen the bullying the next time it happens (and it WILL happen again).

[1monster]

12. You have a point. I know the mother of the larger bully and she worked

very hard with her son to eradicate his bullying behaviors. She was very successful. He and my son graduated from high school this past June and he is a very polite, well-mannered young man. He has a job and we run into him occassionally. He and my son always shake hands and seem happy to see each other.

The other bully is behind a year and a half in school and may be beginning to get it together. I don't know for sure. I hope so, for his sake.

[mike r]

5. The only thing bullies understand is a swift and forceful response

to the nose, for example.

[dsc]

7. kids haven't changed alot

except on issues of sexuality in highschools, but schools have. It took Columbine for teachers like me who thought bullying wasn't some sort of normal right of passage to be thought of as anything but loony limpwristed panty waists (yes I actually had a coworker call me that after I chastised him for not disciplining a student who called another student a fag). After Columbine schools saw the need to make sure it didn't go too far. I won't say it is easy but it is easier to be different in high school. I do think attitudes towards gays have changed immensely without schools doing a whole lot.

[DebJ]

13. The problem I see is that the 'winner' of the fights are given

public approval in our city; the 'loser' of the fight feels shame for their 'failure' in the fight. I'm presuming that bullies are usually physically more powerful, or they wouldn't bother to pick a fight, right? Since our community makes the loser feel shame, the victims are punished and the bullies are rewarded. When I went to school in the 60s 70s, bullies were completely pushed out of society. They were reviled and hated and no one wanted any part of them. Guess what? We only had one bully in all my years of school, and he was reformed around age 13 (when peer pressure becomes everything...don't bully, or don't belong...)

[groovedaddy]

14. "I'm presuming that bullies are usually physically more powerful"...not an absolute.

My sister is a retired special ed teacher. She would always confront any bullying she saw taking place. She is also a very peaceful person. It surprised me one day when she said: "I saw bullies who stopped being bullies once they took one on the chin or nose."
Quite often bullies are full of bluster and the bluster alone intimidates other kids.
Of course, this in no way negates the necessity of adult intervention!