hear me out- can you PM me your favorite "dirty" joke? here's why:

[w8liftinglady]

I had a patient come out of a coma yesterday-he hasn't smiled or talked to his family in months.I told him he needed a good laugh,and asked him if he liked "clean" or "dirty" jokes. He got an evil grin and softly said-I like dirty jokes"

His brother,a minister, almost cried with joy...and said "Dirty jokes it is!".

Nothing too vulgur...but funny!I appreciate it!

[taterguy]

1. The Aristocrats!

[HopeHoops]

2. The newlyweds...

On their wedding night, a man and a woman were undressing for bed and the man took off his pants and threw them at the woman and said, "Here - put these on."

She looked at them and replied, "I can't fit in your pants. They're much too big."

He said, "That's right, and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants around here."

The woman whipped off her panties and threw them at him and said, "Then here, put these on."

The guy responded, "I can't get in your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and you aren't going to until you change your damn attitude."

[bigwillq]

3. That's cute.

:)

[freshwest]

6. LOL

[LynneSin]

4. Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!

[progressoid]

5. Johnny at the Playground

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

[freshwest]

8. OMG!

:rofl:

[Hassin Bin Sober]

24. .

:rofl: :rofl:

[Kali]

7. you might want to block PMs from MiddleFingerMom

he might crash DU

[MiddleFingerMom]

11. I don't KNOW any dirty jokes!!!!

.
.
.
.
Do you know the difference between a Bic Mac and oral sex?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That's too bad.
.
.
.

[MiddleFingerMom]

12. You busy for lunch tomorrow? n/t

[KamaAina]

9. So this guy goes to the doctor and says...

"Doc, my thing is orange!"

"Orange, you say? Here. Take two of these pills a day, and check back with me in a week."

A week later.... "Doc, my thing's still orange!"

"Um, may I ask you a... personal question? Have you been doing anything... unusual... lately?"

"Naw, just watchin' Sarah Palin campaign videos, and eatin' Chee-tos."

[NightWatcher]

10. You asked for it

Check your inbox.

Bonus:
It's not catholic priests or coaches, but do you know leading cause of pedophilia?


All those damn sexy kids.

[XemaSab]

13. Here's my favorite:

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

[XemaSab]

14. This one's really bad:

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, “I had sex with my teacher today.”

“Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!” says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, “Go up to your son’s room and talk to him. He’s been really bad today.”

Dad goes up to the son’s room and asks why mom is so mad. “I told her I had sex with my teacher today,” replied the boy.

“Alright! That’s my boy!”, says dad. “Ya know son, women just don’t think like men. But I’m proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That’s my boy! Ya know what? I’m so proud of you I’m gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you’ve been wanting!”

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. “You gonna ride it home son?” asks dad.

The boy replied, “Nah, my ass is still sore.”

[XemaSab]

16. Here's a whole thread of Ole and Lena jokes:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x626576

[nolabear]

15. Okay that did it. I'm literally crying here.

:rofl:

[nolabear]

17. Dad comes home to find little Johnny crying hysterically on the front steps.

He says "Son, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Johnny says "Remember this morning when I sneaked in on you and Mom in bed?"

"Yes, Son."

"And I asked you what you were doing and you said you were making me that baby brother I wanted?"

Yes, Son."

"Well after you left for work the mailman came by and he ate him!"

[Hamlette]

18. Two drunks come out of a bar

there is a dog in the gutter licking his balls.

First drunk says: "I wish I could do that."

Second drunk says: "Think you ought to pet him first."

[guitar man]

19. An oldie but a goody

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.

The man say I can do it!

So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it!

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger dick than he did".

"How did you make him cry?" ask the bartender?

Well I showed him.

[peacefreak]

20. What is better than roses on the piano?

Tu-lips on the organ.:blush:

[w8liftinglady]

21. you guys are awesome...Thanks for all the material...!!!!

[NightWatcher]

22. Not dirty but very wrong..... I did my good deed for the day today

I caught a person with a handicapped tag trying to park in one of our spots. I beat his ass and rolled him right out of the parking lot. He damn near flipped his wheelchair when he hit the curb. People have got to learn to stick to their place. They've got those blue spaces all to themselves.

[waddirum]

23. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

[Skittles]

25. guy walks past his son's room and says

"SON, IF YOU DON'T QUIT DOING THAT YOU'LL GO BLIND."

Son responds, "HEY DAD! I'M OVER HERE!"