Except it's my elderly mother. She's lived with me the past 5 years. Though she had mild cognitive decline when she came here, she could still dress, toilet, and make a cup of tea and breakfast for herself, but she could not drive or understand money transactions. My husband was already long over the situation after the 2nd or 3rd year as my other siblings were supposed to be sharing in the care responsibilities. But that all evaporated, leaving me with full responsibility and my husband with a "part-time" wife.
After a surgical procedure last year, it was like someone flipped a light switch and Mom could no longer dress, toilet or do any of the basic tasks of daily living. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia. As a year since has worn on, she is increasingly confused, but still belligerent and either uncomprehending or unwilling to cooperate. She sees people not there, only knows me very rarely, and can only verbalize half of what she wants to say, and sometimes almost nothing at all. The thing that has pushed me over the edge is the incontinence which has gotten really unmanageable.
For the past year, she consumed nearly every waking moment of every day. Though I want to be everything she needs, I am just one person with a family that includes two kids in college (one studying from home, the other home for summer right now) and two family businesses neither of which I've been able to contribute to in any meaningful way. As I write this I sound calm, but believe me I am at my wits' end and have lost my patience and cool more than once.... like when she wants her tea warmed up for the third time, or keeps getting out of bed and won't leave me alone til I go with her and put her back to bed over and over. There are a dozen other examples. It's all so sad, and so frustrating. But the incontinence is just finishing me off.
I've been on a quest to find a good memory care facility for her, trying to convince family members "it's time" (no small task) and, after visiting a dozen places and asking a thousand questions, finally, finally she moves into memory care next week. As hard as this all has been, I've come to the realization they can do so much more for her than I can, with appropriate activities that are designed to keep her brain active, instead of doing a lot of sleeping. Now I am swamped with all the moving details, on top of all I have to do for her every day and I'm still at my wits' end, but there is now light at the end of the tunnel.
Dementia is a horrible disease and it can break the best of us as caregivers. Please get that diagnosis, find out if there is anything you can do to improve his condition. If not, be realistic about what you both need most right now. There is nothing wrong with asking for and finding help. And you are certainly NOT a bad wife. You must make ALL the hard decisions for both of you now, but be sure that YOUR needs are part of that equasion.
If you ever just need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. Wishing you all the best. 
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