Internalized victim-blaming. (possible trigger)

[FedUpWithIt All]

4. I had a moment of clarity, like you offered that girl.

I don't remember the exact moment when it first clicked but it did at some point. I was only a child. I had a child's mind. I had a child's level of experience to draw on. I had a child's understanding. I had a child's level of personal resources. I had a child's dependance on the adults in my life. Much of the scary stuff that went on in my younger life happened during a time when a child still believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. I began to see my younger self as an actual child. I don't blame her anymore... that i know of. In fact, i wish, badly, that i could parent her and protect her. It has helped to somewhat keep the image of her as a separate being, in a way. I try to remind myself, that blaming her, has the actual affect of re-victimizing her. I would NEVER pile more onto a suffering child. I don't want to do that to the younger me either. She's been through enough.

None of this has been very affective at helping me to change the impact that the events of my past have had on me though. I still feel a child's level of helplessness and fear. I still desire a place to hide. I still respond as a child to those parts of myself but i finally do understand WHY and accept that it is so because i really was only a child. I'm going to start EMdr. Hopefully, this will give me a new perspective and i can finally give that little girl, that i was, and in some ways still am, some well deserved rest.

I wish you peace.