I am speechless over the shit you've had forced on you. It's horrible. Makes me want to cry.
If I may take a wild guess, it seems you've shut off feelings and emotions as a way of protecting yourself. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It is normal to try to protect yourself, and you've had an incredible amount of dreadful stuff to endure.
Once you've established that you feel protected and safe (and I hope you are, now), then perhaps you will feel like venturing outward a tiny bit in various directions. But only when you're ready. The important thing is that you feel protected and safe.
It's extremely hard to feel safe when your own family has betrayed you again and again. Families, especially parents, are supposed to protect, not repeatedly harm. So when you do reach a point where you feel safe and protected, you've accomplished a great deal.
I wish you the best in your efforts to heal. Please let us know how you're doing.
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