A neighbor lost her abusive husband

[MerrilyMerrily]

I am not sure how to deal with her. I knew the couple for the last 20-some years of the husband's life. Other neighbors, and his daughter, knew him much longer. He was not shy about saying horrible things, including threats, to his wife in front of, well, anybody. I could give dozens of examples I witnessed myself, and he was flat-out awful. His wife also told me, her daughter and her friends and other neighbors about many, many other instances that were behind closed doors. Sometimes she would say she wished she could leave, other times she would complain to me that her daughter and some friends were trying to pressure him into leaving. I mostly avoided giving her my own opinion, especially after the first time she did a 180.

When he died, he was in his 80s and had been in a nursing home for about a year. His widow wrote a brief obituary calling him a "loving husband" who shared "60 wonderful years" with his "loving wife." Now, she seems really angry that no one she turns to for sympathy for her loss is sympathetic enough. Last night, she stopped her car on the road while I was walking to tell me that one of our neighbors, a farmer woman who is always straightforward and blunt (usually she cracks me up) actually said her husband was "a fucking asshole." The widow told me that 1) she never wanted to see her daughter or her teen-aged grandchildren again (she did not say why) and 2) if her friend the lady farmer pulled into her driveway to chat (which she has done a few times a week for about 40 years), she was going to get her shotgun and let her have it.

My response was tell her I did not want her to ever say such a thing again and walked away, leaving her standing in the road next to her car. An hour later she called to say she was sorry she said that thing about the rifle, that she was a good person who would never hurt anyone, but no one understood that she was going through hell with all these people turning against her after her loss.

I could be wrong, but something about the way she delivered this speech really bothered me, like the apology was fake and I was supposed to feel guilty for my response.

Anyone here have any experience with the aftermath of a long abusive relationship? At the moment I hope not to run into this lady at all for a long time, but my dog and I walk almost every day and this is not likely.