Processing the loss [View all]
About 10 days ago, I learned that my BFF passed away. I found out on Facebook of all places.
Needless to say, it was a shock on several levels. 1. I wasn't expecting it. 2. I wasn't expecting it because he never even hinted that he was dying. 3. I hated the idea of him suffering but being stoic. 4. He was in Rehab at the time. He was supposed to be getting better. 5. We spoke on the phone 36 hours before he passed. 6. I depended upon him for sage advice, for humor, for emotional support.
And now he just doesn't exist.
I couldn't stop crying for 4-5 days. The first day that I didn't spontaneously weep or get wet eyes, I worried whether this meant that I was in denial, that I didn't care, whether I would relegate him to a memory locked off somewhere.
And the memories. So many that I started jotting them down on pieces of paper. Things he said. Things he taught me. Dedicated to keeping him "alive".
And finally, where does the love go when someone dies? Just because they left doesn't mean they didn't love you. It wasn't their choice to leave.
This is the first person who died in my life who was a very special friend. His loss is more than palpable. I didn't grieve like this when either of my parents passed.
My college friend taught me this saying, and I'm using it for the timebeing: Every day it's easier to wake up. I hope so.
= new reply since forum marked as read