There is a constant melancholy in losing a spouse. I realize many others have lost a husband or wife.

[Duncanpup]

Yet i just can’t shake this in losing my wife. No amount of grief therapy or depression meds can make feel normal.
And I stopped the meds as i discovered they are just a band aid for the symptoms and now i have to stay sharp because of this climate we live in politically if it goes to violence.

And even attempting to date is I find so draining I met a very beautiful woman a widow and we clicked in our way of thinking in life politics or religion.

Many similarities between this fine person and my wife she is smart strong independent educated as my wife was she has Doctorate I have C.D.L. and a union card stamped July 1987.

Oh and as my wife she has Jedi snark powers in which i find attractive and sarcasm they both oozed sarcasm.

She commented on phone other day a conversation we had once in meeting her sister and brother in law and these two asked over dinner why i did not order alcoholic beverage.

In this conversation other night i was driving and i jokingly told her shit I had a senior moment I’m almost 59 i just blew a scale house that was weighing commercial vehicles. Now in tractor we have electronic logs and it will tell you weigh station ahead we usually get By-pass signal as they weigh in motion on highway.

Yet as when it’s my turn to drive nights I lower the electronic log to total blackout and dash lights to as low as they will go I don’t care for cab lights.
And I’ve been past this scale many times as other scales over thirty years and I told her I think I got By -pass I thumbed up lights on cab log computer and it just showed like three hours left to drive.

I said well no Missouri D.O.T. is not pulling me over and she commented praise jesus I love her sarcasm.

So back to this dinner around Christmas with her sister and brother in law they inquired why i did not order alcohol with my meal I said I’m not wanting to drink and they continued to ask questions and I told them I have three years almost four sober.

And they both replied at dinner praise Jesus i let that slide yet in car on way home she said I’m sorry I forgot to mention that her sister and husband are very religious.

I said yea it isn’t Praise Jesus it’s medical science that has given me the distance Naltrexone is meds and i stopped this meds year ago with advice from Doctor.
And I have no clue how it worked yet I’m here and sure I still get urge to pickup yet they go away and i do not drink.

Yet i can only offer friendship to this woman no relationship I just do not have the lets do this again I’ve tried and I find it to be exhausting emotionally.

Other morning at our terminal out on coast there is a new dispatcher and she is spitting image of my wife thirty years ago long red hair freckles her eyes. I turned my paperwork in had go out to tractor sit that messed up my head space and timing seeing this young lady.

Just a bad punctuation dyslexic ramble no sympathy asked yet my mind races this morning over coffee doing wash getting ready to leave for coast 04:00 tomorrow.

Re -bid March I’m going solo home every day or back to yard jockey eight and the gate in which i prefer that.

My furry boy needs me Dunc the golden retriever and I’ve decided once my son 20 is through union carpenter apprenticeship I’m out taking my pension.

And travel back to Europe see the places i haunted as young soldier.
Most definitely travel to Sinai to see Charlie sector we covered on M.F.O. when I was young trooper.

So beautiful and desolate high desert mountains maybe swim in the Red Sea again as we did as young soldiers supposed be patrolling and we’d spend time on the beach calling in fake locations.

It was completely safe then being in Sinai walking those mountains memories a herd of goats in front of us going up hill no problem here we are rucksacks weapons in great shape us sucking wind making for same Bedouin village as those goats

Or one memory walking mountain trails and a Cobra rears up in front of us point man stops the patrol and points snake yea we go around.
Yet that cobra was so beautiful watching it sway that area the mountains absolutely nothing except snakes goats and Bedouins was so beautiful even the sun rise and sun sets take your breath away.

Have great day D.U. Community and love the one you’re with love them hard.