All those churches in every town are proof of persecution

[marylandblue]

22. I created an atheistic religion for you

Central Myth: The Big Bang
Related Holiday: On Big Bang Day, January 1, set off a
nuclear weapon . Chant "We thank you oh Big Bang, which created the stars and the planets for life." Selected Readings from "A Brief History of Time."


Central Prophet: Darwin, of course.
Related Holiday: Darwin's Birthday. On this day, all atheists face the Galapagos Islands, and say "Of course we evolved, what designer would have run a sewer through a recreation area?" Enjoy a meal of terrapin soup.

Saint: Christopher Hitchens .
Holiday: Hitchmas on December 25, because he had a sense of humor. Decorate with creches of famous atheists. Socrates comes down the chimney and gives books of philosophy and science to all the children. Children ask why they can't get toys like other kids. Explain to them that Santa Claus is a myth but Socrates is real and he has no time for irrational games.

Weekly Sabbath: On Wednesday, because it's good to have a day off in the middle of the week, and since the religion requires it, your boss has to let you do it.
Celebration: Gather at the temple and offer up plastic babies to Satan while chanting in Elvish. It really freaks the Christians out.

Holy Books: Origin of the Species and The Satanic Verses.

Traditional temple design: stained glass windows and frescos showing evolving animals, protohominids, and supernovas. Steeple with a chimpanzee playing saxophone on top. The saxophone plays 5 times a day to remind nonbelievers not to pray.

Songs:
Imagine, by John Lennon
Hells Bells, by AC/DC
We Don't Need No Religious Education, adapted from Pink Floyd
12 Days of Hitchmas, traditional

Clergy: Scientists with a PhD may be ordained in the Church of Atheism by immersing themselves in a frozen lake on Big Bang Day. Legend has it that the Lady of the Lake will forever guard the scientist with a magical sword. Any scientist who can confirm this will become the Pope and gets to keep the sword.

Central Dogmas:
There is no God, so leave me alone.
If your neighbor really needs God to tell him not to murder, move.
There's a typo in your Bible tract.