The Borowitz Report: Leaked Excerpts from JD Vance's Upcoming Book on Catholicism

[FakeNoose]

Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/leaked-excerpts-from-jd-vances-upcoming
(Today's TBR is for paid subscribers only)

TBR EXCLUSIVE: In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

The following excerpts offer a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope:

As Jesus always said, blessed be the normal children.

And on that day—the best of my life—I thanked God for everything good He had given me. It was like I was speaking directly to Him. Because He’d called me to ask me to be His running mate.

Mary Magdalene is an underrated figure in the Bible. Very loyal. Stayed in her lane.

God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, and Abraham prepared to do it. I think about this story often, especially when I’m asked about the Department of Education.

Why do the sacraments matter? Because Heaven, like all good nation-states, requires strong borders.

Don’t believe the rumors. I love the Pope! I think he’s fine. He feels the same way about me.

I hear your concerns about Iran, but trust me, it’s not a big deal: God will make peace in Heaven. Also, I was quietly against it from the start.

Blessed be the martyrs. That kind of commitment is rare. I personally have never died for anything, but I have posted through some very difficult news cycles.

Like Jesus, I grew up poor.

Catholicism first spoke to me when I watched Spotlight.

For me, hating trans people isn’t about faith. It’s about: I think it’s weird, and I don’t get it.....

- more at link, for paid subscribers only -

Relax friends, this is satire!