Breaking: Jody Arias Fires Attorney!

[yoyossarian]

(AP) In a surprise move today, Jody Arias fired her attorney; his body was found burned beyond recognition in the ladies bathroom just off the courtroom where her trial has been going on for the last several months... except for his face, which Arias claims she did NOT remove with a pen knife, then tie it onto the back of her head and try to walk out of custody backwards. "She has NO IDEA how the face got attached to her head," says her new attorney, Jenny Bendon, who Arias chose "for her virgin blood," whatever that means. "She doesn't remember anything after her old attorney publicly said that he didn't like her--but that doesn't prove anything, except that she didn't do it," says Ms Bendon, who is indeed a member of the political activist group Purity First, which encourages young people of America to "find new and innovative approaches to suicide so that they may go to their graves just as they came into the world: blind, ignorant and virginal."
Some speculate that Arias herself attempted suicide in the first few weeks of her trial, but lost consciousness after beating her own head in with a purloined judge's gavel... but this theory was disproved when a suicide note was found in her own hand, written in her own hand, which read simply "I didn't do this suicide. It was someone else."