How is everybody holding up?

[slightlv]

47. I am not doing well, nor is anyone else here at Casa Light...

We're all down with pneumonia, on antibiotics and I'm on prednisone as well. Hubby and I have always had such an intellectual relationship... our minds are what drew us together from the very first (of course, sex was pretty good, too! LOL) But now, at 74, his mind is going, his hearing is blasted and he won't even think about a hearing aid or amplifier. Up until the pneumonia hit, his body was still in pretty good shape which was a continuation of an ongoing joke we had with each other. We always laughed and said we were the flip sides of the same coin. Where we were alike, we were 100% alike; where different, it was a 180. As his body held up by his memory went sideways, my body imploded but my mind is still okay. These days, I'm trying to figure out how to eke out some money to hire someone to help clean my house. I just can't do it on my own, and the cat fur is about to take over!

We still talk politics, but it's kinda hard when my voice is naturally soft and his hearing doesn't work. He detests trump and everything the right wing stands for and isn't afraid to voice his opinion and dare anyone to take exception. But even talking between us is getting harder. And I've started worrying about what comes next. Will I be able to take care of him by myself? Will my marbles hold up and keep the household above water? My grandson lives with us, and is there in case of emergency but a household help he isn't. I don't blame him... I have a biased view of men and housework, anyway... and he just continues to embody it. Besides, I'll leave him the house when we're gone and he's promised to take care of my cats. If it weren't for my cats (and the dog that's as big as a pony), I'd try to figure out a way to go into Assisted Living. But even if I could have cats there... and not all places allow it... how do I choose who to take and who to leave behind? My god, just the thought of it tears me to pieces. How do you split up your kids? And my babies are just like my kids. Nearly all my cats have lived long lives into their 20's. I have four right now who are in their late teens and 2 of them are approaching 20. One is such a paranoid schizo, he could only live with me or someone he knows well. No one else would be able to come close to him. But I also have 3 littermates who are only about 7... and one of those is my constant nursemaid. My daughter is caught up in her own continuing dramas involving men and has no time for her sons or us. So, I kinda feel like I'm out here on my own, flailing, trying to keep my head above water and feeling like I'm drowning about half the time. Of course, the pneumonia right now doesn't help... I know that. Still, I'm practical enough to know crap isn't going to get any better. And concern and worry over what maga and trump can do to us financially scares the living crap out me. At this age, you shouldn't have to count the days to see if your SS check is going to make it to your bank account or into trumps wallet. Plus, I just feel like all the work I did as a kid and young adult... protesting, marching for civil rights and women's rights have been all for nothing. I know the women I helped with computers, software, and training all on my own dime as they were struggling divorcees or worse paid its own dividends with the new start it gave them, but other than that, what do I have to show for it all? Maga ripped everything bright and beautiful and peaceful from my view and replaced it with hatred and ugliness and the inevitable "looking down on" or "looking away" as I try to maneuver my way through the grocery store or across a parking lot. My circle of friends has inevitably gotten smaller as those closest to me fight their own health battles, or are still in the DoD workplace, terrified of losing their jobs at any moment. Even my sister, with whom I'd supper several times a month as we took care of Mom, has disappeared into her own world since Mom died in January. In fact, I think the funeral was the last time I saw her in person... and she only lives 30 minutes from me! Sometimes, I just feel like I've outlived my time and as self-pitying as it sounds, it just doesn't seem fair... lol. There's so much I wanted to do, but trapped by finances and circumstances, the "normal" middle class lifestyle just always eluded me. And I'm stuck here in the Midwest, surrounded by Red and wanting so badly to once in my life see the PNW and knowing I'll probably die without ever seeing the Pacific Ocean or the forests in Oregon and Washington. And now I've really dragged myself down (SMDH). Time to get my Tarot deck out and see if it'll give me any good news in the near future -- like trumpo or miller biting the bullet before I do!