Need some emotional backup... I think I just cut my youngest son loose for good... (long, sorry)

[FirstLight]

So, those of you who know me here have seen the drama/trauma i have dealt with this kid since middle school. Since he's been an "adult" I have bailed him out and bought at least 2 cars, paid for a lawyer ...and most recently, brought him and his GF (and her baby, 2yoF) back out here from Kansas.
Christmas was ok, but they stayed with me for about 2 months while we looked for apartments etc. It was not fun. He's got a lot of our family anger issues, stuff I am sorry that I passed on from my dad... But he needs some serious therapy, probably has BPD and is definitely a big narcissist, so he's never wrong and will never need therapy in his mind.
So I basically drained what was left of my savings to help them get a car and into an apartment. She got a job and he failed to step up. Everytime they hit me up for gas money I reminded them I was now in dire straits too and couldn't help. Hearing from them got more sparse...he flaked on helping me with the house and yard (big promises made when $$ was given) Well, the inevitable finally happened and they got evicted the beginning of July.

I made sure during week they had to scramble before eviction - That I loved them but could NOT welcome them back into my home. That all I can do is offer support.
Well, then they both went radio silence.

It's been three weeks and nothing, I'd been trying to give them space to work it out and not make things worse by asking too many questions. *Even my one outreach to see how they were was ignored.

So I'm talking to my other kid (the one in NC) about some family health stuff and they say I should tell Devin because he definitely has symptoms...I said he's homeless, probably not seeing a Dr anytime soon.. but I tried to go ahead in that moment and text his number.
Message came back BLOCKED.
It was like a punch to the gut.

Really?.... REALLY!?!
So if I can't give you something, I am of no use to you?
wow.

So I sat with it through the evening and the next morning, I decided to go ahead and cut the cords.
I sent him a last message on the social platform we usually talk on (If his phone number is cut because he didn't pay it, that's our wifi backup to contact eachother...) just "I see you blocked me, sorry you made that choice."

and then I deleted (not blocked) his contact info. They still have my number, if they are in Reno and they are truly desperate, they know where I live. And I didn't say NOT to contact me in any way!)

So about 24 hours later, I get a text from the GF asking what's going on? she sent me screenshots of my last message to Devin, (where he replied "I'm a grown ass adult and I'm busy...but you blocked me though." )
I simply said that I tried to message and it came back blocked, so I was done. Felt that they only needed me when they could GET something.

no anger, no rant, just done.

That was the last I heard from either of them three days ago. He never said anything directly, just had her do it.

My whole lesson that meant something to ME was that I am done giving my EVERYTHING to people who just see it as a transactional relationship.
Even family.
The people in my life I have given the most to, have been the ones to turn their back on me and hurt me the most.
No More.

I am living my life for MY benefit. I gotta rebuild something to retire on and I'm not gonna get there giving everything to others in order to win love and approval.

So I just needed to rant and tell you all my process and get some hugs and backup for choosing to NOT allow abusive and draining people in my life.

[WhiteTara]

1. stay strong

your life is worth your care.

[Raven123]

2. You can only do so much

I have known people who will take from any and everyone in their world until they all go down together. I couldn’t figure out how they didn’t see what they were doing. Getting out of that trap is the only way to survive and then to heal. So sorry you were backed into making that choice, but I hope that you will find peace in healing.

[in2herbs]

3. IMO whether one is religious or not, we must selfishly love ourselves before we can love anyone else. By

selfishly loving ourselves the overflow of our love will be given freely to others and in turn, others will do the same. Some don't however, and that is how we can continue to love them -- at a distance and without judgment.

[wordstroken]

7. Very wise words, in2herbs. So many people need to hear them. Thank you for posting.

[ShazzieB]

48. And in the words of the immortal RuPaul.....

[dlilafae]

4. FirstLight what you're going through, is one

Of the roughest emotional elements that a parent will ever have to deal with. I'm sorry you're in the middle of it, and it hurts. Badly. It takes a long time to put your kids in the rear-view. And sometimes when we've decided to let it go, the urge to cave in intensifies. I have two sons that I have disowned for treating me disrespectfully, and like my life did not matter. Who knew? When I stop being an enabling door mat, that wouldn't lay in their mess puddles with them, they stopped talking to me. It's been about 4 years now. Time for my #1 and #2 sons to figure out how to rescue themselves.

[wordstroken]

11. Thank you for putting it so succinctly, dlilafae. Most people who are ...

… going through this separation from their children go through it in silent pain because they don’t realize how many others are going through it, too.


🦋 wordstroken

[sheshe2]

5. I agree, it is time to take care of you, FirstLight.

💙💙💙

[wordstroken]

6. We love you, FirstLight, and we support you all the way.

The details of your story are almost identical to mine — with ghosting now for over two years. The unbearable heartbreak gets more bearable with time. But in order to survive emotionally, we have to break the painful ties.

Even with a PhD in psychology and health education, and knowing the theory behind people’s behavior, when it’s our family, it’s impossible for me not to hurt.

Thank heaven for our awesome DU family.

We are here for you, FirstLight. With listening ears and an abundance of love and hugs for choosing to NOT allow abusive and draining people in your life.

💖 🥰 🤗

🦋 wordstroken

[Bayard]

8. Hugs, FirstLight

When we let people into our hearts, unfortunately, they can break them.

Hang in there.

[cpamomfromtexas]

9. My middle kid did same after my husband died

Give that kid to God to take care of. Trust me on this. I never worried or grieved. I was done.

[adam_vermont]

10. Keep firm

I'm sorry you have a child that is so distorted in their thinking, drains your bank account and goodwill, and doesn't acknowledge the help. You are doing the right thing, stay strong.

[roscoeroscoe]

12. A parent can only do so much

When I was stationed in Maryland, we had a training on naloxone, used for overdose. We watched a Maryland video about how even parents who did everything for their kids couldn't save their kids.

One example was a well-to-do family. Their daughter was already accepted to a great university, came home one day, normal day, went upstairs and did fentanyl in the bathroom, and died. Her whole future and a great life, seemingly.

We supported our son every way we could. No matter. It seems it more important to him to hurt my wife's feelings and break her heart than anything. A grudge over who knows what? All I know is that she struggled and did everything she could, single parent with no child support, to raise him and take care of him. Poor, ketchup soup and crackers for dinner at one point. But she carried the load.

Anyway the Maryland video showed me that no matter what the setting, even privileged, a child is still their own person and makes their choices.

One more thing - I came across an interesting study done to see if they could identify how some kids from tough backgrounds make it and some don't. The researchers kind of found an interesting non-answer: they couldn't find any key to why some can make their way and some can't.

[niyad]

51. Question: single mom carrying the load. .our son? Am I guessing

correctly?

[TommyT139]

13. You have gone extra miles. (Plus bonus phone fact.)

I just want to toss out a fact that may or may not be playing a part in your situation: On TracFones, if the person is out of minutes or needs to renew their month or whatever, texts don't make it through and, maddenly, the message come back that the phone owner has blocked whoever sent the text. Literally, it says "blocked."

I don't know if other Android phones do that too, but of course it's an effective way to get someone to pay up, instead of just using a messaging app that works with wifi.

Anyway, wishing you all well as you deal with these challenges.

[cynical_idealist]

14. It's not your fault

Take care of yourself.

[mountain grammy]

15. Right here with you..

you are not alone, please know that. There are many of us going through stuff with our children..

Hugs to you. Please take care of yourself.

[et tu]

19. same mg-

please take loving care of yourself and send him
positive mental vibes that he finally seeks the help
that he needs and keep love in your heart.
people can turn around-sometimes~

[IbogaProject]

16. He needs to grow up

The only way this resolved well for him and his family is if he can accept that he isn't perfect and needs to change. Don't second guess your gut feeling to draw a reasonable line.

[wolfie001]

44. My solution to any problem was to go to work the next day

Figure it out when you get home. And guess what? Go to work the next day as well. I did that for about 46 years and now I'm retired. Luckily, both of my sons are gainfully employed. Fingers crossed. Ya just never know. Poor OP's been through a lot. I wish him well.

[Karadeniz]

17. Hang in there !!!!!

[homegirl]

18. There comes a time

when you have to put yourself first...this is it. Don't falter!

[sdfernando]

20. I know its tough

You have to take care of you! You'll be OK...stay strong!

[Sogo]

21. This is what really stuck out to me, to which I say, Bravo!

"I am living my life for MY benefit. I gotta rebuild something to retire on and I'm not gonna get there giving everything to others in order to win love and approval."

[irisblue]

22. I amdeeply sorry you are going through this

[Warpy]

23. Sometimes you have to cut people loose so they can save themselves

and sometimes they surprise the hell out of you by doing just that.

And sometimes they don't.

They're grownups, making their own choices, good or bad, and there's nothing we can do about that except try to keep our own lives sane.

Some of my former friends didn't make it and it still hurts that I couldn't save them, but that wasn't my job, ever.

It was theirs.

[dlk]

24. It's heartbreaking beyond measure when an adult child has issues beyond your control

It’s painful to set appropriate boundaries when you’ve given your heart and soul to help them.

Understanding you can’t save them and you need to save yourself is beyond difficult, but you have what it takes to do this. There is much support to be found on DU and know that we have your back.

We’re here for you.

[NNadir]

25. I have (or had) a brother to whom I have not spoken in more than two decades.

For about two decades before cutting him off, I tried to emulate my father, who was a master of forgiveness for his brother, my uncle.

One day, after a particularly egregious episode, after a vast number of previous interactions of that nature, I called my two sons together and told them to not ever do what I am about to do, which was to cut off a brother.

I'm at peace with it now. My life is fine without him.

I know it's painful, but trust me, you can and will survive, better than you may think you will.

[Ritabert]

29. I'm the same way with a sister who cut us off

....for unknown reasons. I'm too old to put up with that crap.

[wolfie001]

45. I've cut off all my siblings because they're all hardcore tRUMPers

Life can be complicated.

[Ritabert]

57. I agree but I'm too old to deal with Trumpers.

[wolfie001]

59. Enjoy these years! I retired in early Dec. 2023 and have never felt better!

I think it gave me a reboost to go after tRUMPers at will. Cheers

[lark]

26. Is your son addicted to anything, Naranon Family really saved our lives.

My son was in his late 30's chronically homeless and staying with addicts when he has a place to stay so he never got his feet under him. Dealing with a child (even though he's a grown man) in and out of jail - plus dealing with his addiction lying and anger issues really took it out of me and my husband. Our lives were a complete mess and our son was living such an awful life. We joined Naranon and things dramatically improved for us and him. We had a resource and through them learned about recovery places and on the day he tried to commit suicide, after he did't get killed, he finally got it in with his higher power and took steps to save himself. He's now medicated and getring behavioral health issues and has had a place to stay since last Oct. He's through with the classes/ life training - and has found a job where most of the people come from recovery backgrounds so they understand what he's been through.
Naranon Family focuses on you, not your addict, but information there helped tremendously.

Not all doors are made for all people. Hope you find a door you can walk through and find some ease.

[FirstLight]

27. Thanks for all the support DU Family! Many wise words and hugs ..thank you

I am so very grateful for those wise words from many of you. And I am definitely humbled to know I am not the only one.

At least I had practice, my oldest son shut me out when I told him and his GF to GTFO of my house when he got in my face and tried to do that "intimidating male" thing. He was 18. and they never forgave me. Even after they got married and had 2 kids (grandchildren I will never know) and she ended up leaving him...he's 30 and lives in the same small town, but doesn't speak to me. He works at the post office and the last tme I went in he waited on me and said MAYBE 3 words for the whole transaction.. so I've DONE my cryioing over him and I guess that makes it easier to let the youngest one go his own way. If he wants to be like his older brother and pretend he doesn't have a mom ...that's not my problem, that his THERAPIST's roblem

I'm done holding my breath for acknowledgement on Mother's Day, My Bday, etc... I know how much I gave up and sacrificed to be a single mom for pretty much my ENTIRE adult life! Now it's MY turn!

huge hugs for those of you in the same boat. We're gonna be FINE!

[judesedit]

28. Unfortunately, I can totally relate. My soon-to-be 58 year old son has BPD.

He will not take medication, cause it slows him down. He blames me for him being homeless. It's his choice. He's a worker, thank goodness. Just likes to spend his money on drones, drugs, whatever, instead of rent. His father left him $20,000 cash when he died in 2020. My son did nothing useful with it, aside from buying a used motorcycle for cheap. He could have fixed his teeth, gotten a used car, and/or rented himself a room for months or a year.

He has threatened my life, and my daughter's, in the past. We are the ones who always helped him. I always tried to blow it off, let him vent, laugh, cause he's very funny when he wants to be. Still abusive. I'm done. I know how he's doing through friends of my daughter. I pray for the best for him. I love him dearly.

Funny how you can have 2 kids and they can be so different. One thinks I'm wonderful, the other thinks I'm horrible. Grew up in the same household.

You are not alone. Be gentle on yourself. Hope for his happiness with his girlfriend and child. Let it go. He's on his own path.

[FirstLight]

30. yes, the two are so different!

The middle kid is my 'ride or die bitch'...and hgas already cut off her brother after him moving in with them for a few months and being horrible and abusive etc. They were besties when they were little, but as they grew up, the differences in their personalities and communication began to interfere with healthy boundaries etc. The middle kid moved out early because they couldn't handle the constant fighting between me and him and the trauma of worrying about my well being. (I was drinking at that time and not handling anything well...but have since been through MUCH therapy etc and said I am sorry to all my kids, whether they forgave me or not)

Anyway, at least one of them is a good egg, and if the other ones decide to come around, I'll be here.

[judesedit]

42. That's all you can do. It is heartbreaking, but there is lots of goodness in this world.

Let's concentrate on that and enjoy life. You definitely have company.

[Ms. Toad]

31. I get it.

Maybe not the same underlying cause, but my family has two kids who are/have been on the outs. One murdered two women - he is actually the one with whom there was most continued contact. He had one really bad night in his life, fueled by a combination of peyote and alcohol - and racial taunting. We don't know exactly what happened - and his attorney thinks he stumbled in after the murder. (He died in prison from cancer 9 years ago.)

The other sounds more like your son. My parents have, alternately, been able to remain in contact with him. He has fetal alcohol syndrome (he was adopted) - a syndrome not yet identified when they adopted him. In his youth, he stole from all the neighbors. He is a sociopath (diagnosed) and an alcoholic. His IQ is low enough that - now days - he would probably have been eligible for educational assistance. But he dropped out of school in late middle school.

Over the years, usually, one of my parents has been willing/able to stay in contact with him. Currently it is my father - in the earlier years it was my mother who took forever to see what we siblings knew from around age 8. Over the years he has been in and out of rehab. Currently, he is sober and seems to have his life as much under control as a 67 year old sociopathic alcoholic diabetic with no skills can.

I inherit him when my parents die. (They have set up a special needs trust - I get to manage it, and to decide whether his kids (who inherited some of his challenges) get his share of the family fortune.)

But he has been mostly cut off from the family for decades - for my parents' mental health.

Take care of yourself. You owe an abusive adult child nothing - not continued contact, not money. Take care of yourself. If you are able to give him some grace, he may come around from time to time - but that is a gift, not an obligation. Your mental and financial health come first.

Feel free to communicate with me via DM if it might help.

[Paul-EM]

32. "ingratitude, thou marble-hearted fiend"

Many of us have been there in one capacity or another. It's always painful, but when the disadvantages of a relationship totally eclipse the advantages, usually the best option is to disconnect.

"Ingratitude, thou marble-hearted fiend, More hideous when thou show'st thee in a child Than the sea-monster!" - William Shakespeare.

[BaronChocula]

33. You did all you could Mama Bird

And the others who have been through it will tell you the same.

Be good to yourself.

[Freddie]

34. My heart is with you

My son put our family through complete hell over 6 years of heroin addiction. Stealing my credit cards. Flunking out of college. 2 rehabs that didn’t take and finally, one that did. He’s been clean for 9 years now. Great job, awesome wife, 2 little boys that we all adore. I know these things rarely have happy endings. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. Nothing makes me angrier than the comments I’ve heard blaming the parents.

[MadameButterfly]

35. It sounds like he needs to hit bottom and take responsibility

for himself instead of looking for a bailout. Some people need to reach that point before they change.
Whether he will change, or turn his life around you can't predict. But it appears he won't do it as long as he's being bailed out.
This from a therapist for a loved one who didn't cut the cords fast enough from a narcissistic person.

Take care of yourself. That's all you can do. You deserve it.

[Hassler]

36. It sounds like you are taking steps to help yourself, and

That is important. To love others we must first love ourselves.

[Linda ladeewolf]

37. My kids cut me off years ago, for the same thing.

I couldn’t give them money or things they felt entitled to. So end of connection. It’s been quiet for more than 20 years now. I know where they are. I’m pretty good at finding out things. They are alive, doing okay. I raised them until their father got done with them. I have no further obligations. Sounds cold, but they hurt me at every opportunity, no more.

Don’t feel bad for protecting yourself.

[mdmc]

38. I pray that things get better for you and your family

[Playingmantis]

39. Amazing stories of family disfunction

I could write the same thing regarding my son who was a problem but has totally changed for the better.

Now two of my grandkids are problems. And my brother's son is in the same boat.

One of my grandsons spends all his time trying to get on disability. He is 30 and if he spent as much time working as he does making excuses, he would be rich by now

My other grandson was coddled as the teachers did all they could to get him across the graduation line in HS even though he never did an ounce of work. BIG MISTAKE! So far he has been fired once, just got his license to drive and already has five traffic violations, police and judges let him off as he is very charming. He refuses to help with family expenses. He is very disrespectful to both parents and lies continually. He is 19.

And my friend has a daughter who refuses to work. She inherited $40,000 which, in his words, she "sniffed up her nose" and is living in subsidised housing and is about to get evicted for repeatedly violating the rules. He swears he will do no more, but he sends more money when she needs it...

Another friend had a son who was a real problem. He told me he put him in some kind of program and when he came out he was totally changed. He said they hugged and cried and things were so different. About a year later he told me the kid met a girl and they were going to get married! He said she was a sweet woman and he looked forward to having her as a daughter-in-law. At a futher point in time I asked how things were going. He became quite sad and said he hadnt heard from either one, so when he couldnt get in touch with his son he called her. Turns out he left her without saying a word but cleaning our their shared bank account in the process

You say
" i have dealt with this kid since middle school. Since he's been an "adult" I have bailed him out and bought at least 2 cars, paid for a lawyer ...and most recently, brought him and his GF (and her baby, 2yoF) back out here from Kansas."

i have found the more you come to their rescue the worse they become. And i think many adults are the same way.

Let them fall and hit the ground..then they will learn..

[PatrickforB]

40. It is hard when that happens and I'm very sorry for it.

But in the end your son must learn to pull his own weight. That is just the way of things.

[csusan]

41. You go to therapy

I'm sorry you are going through all this. I found therapy and alon really beneficial in learning how enabling others is detrimental to them and to me. You can't really let go until you learn why you have focused so much time and energy on an adult. I learned we teach people how to treat us. If you haven't heard of this before. Look it up and it would be a good place to start healing. My guess that without getting help for yourself when he contacts you, and he will, you will fall back into the old pattern of doing for him what he should do for himself. Be kind to yourself and get help for you. You deserve it. This comes from my heart. I was where you are but it was with my mother. I understand. The only person you can change is yourself. Good luck. Sending good thoughts. Stay strong and I hope you can reach out for the help you need.

[Skittles]

43. that poor child

Last edited Wed Jul 16, 2025, 09:23 PM - Edit history (1)

(the 2 yr old)

way too much drama

[Trueblue Texan]

46. It's hard to finally admit the relationship is too toxic to continue.

But sometimes you gotta do just that. And good for you for finally being able to step away from it. Now find ways to nurture yourself, give yourself the love you thought you needed from others. When you begin to heal, you will have better clarity on preserving your self while safely reaching out to others. Now is your time to heal your wounds and take care of yourself. I know it feels shitty, but congratulations on doing the hard thing you had to do to save yourself. Big hugs

[AllaN01Bear]

47. u come first.

[niyad]

49. Oh, dear friend. Holding you in love and light, wishing you all the blessings

yiu deserve. Please know that your DU family is here for you, lean as hard as you need.

It is WAYYYYYYYYYYY past time for YOU to put YOU first, to take care of YOU, and to stop telling yourself you should feel guilty about doing so. I am no longer in Reno, so cannot do this in person, but. .HUGGGGGGGS.

[BonnieJW]

50. Best thing those kids

Could have done for you. Too bad they didn't do it thousands of dollars ago.
There is a waterproof bag in my closet that holds all the documents for my youngest daughter, who is my executrix. There is also a letter to my three daughters advising them about money and their kids. I told them to always give support to a child trying their best to make their way through life. I also warned them against giving a kid money who was on a downward path and who wouldn't listen to reason. Those people have to hit bottom before they will listen to anyone. Never fund stupid.

[HeartsCanHope]

52. Sending hugs and support, FirstLight.

We're all here for you!

[summer_in_TX]

53. Oh FirstLight, I know your heart is aching.

But you did the right thing. Not cutting him off, but also not yielding to the bullshit. I hope it will be a wake-up call for him and that one day he will get his act together. But in the meantime, you are taking care of yourself. High time, I think. Good for you!

[Jarqui]

54. I am so sorry for what you are going through

But I think you did the right thing.

Had to do something similar recently.
I'd tried for 13 years.
I went 2 years beyond when the doctors told me to stop.
I'll probably never stop caring.
But by me carrying on, I was enabling.
If you really care, it is not an easy thing to do.

[OldBaldy1701E]

55. Here are some hugs for you.

You did the correct thing. Sometimes, people have to be forced into reality. This may be one of those times.

It sucks and it hurts when it is family or someone who was close to you.

It is not your fault that they are in this position and it is not your responsibility to float a ship that has so many holes in it.

I hope he can find the help that he needs. I hope they both can.

But, I hope that you are now free of this drain on your life.

[Fla Dem]

56. I am forever thankful I have close family, immediate and relations.

I cannot even imagine going through the heartbreak and stress FirstLight and too many other DU'ers have shared here. My heart goes out to all of you.

[live love laugh]

58. It's good to vent. I'm sure you're hurt.

Let it out to let go and accept that you’re not in control of others.

At times I think helping a stranger is more rewarding than helping family.