There is something that confuses me a great deal...the concept of "family."

[LiberalLoner]

Everyone including my family members say over and over, “you have to keep family in your life, nothing in the world is as important as family!”

My family was abusive to me in every single way possible…physical, sexual, emotional, financial.

My husband has urged me for many years to go no contact, and after battling feelings of guilt, I finally went no contact with my extended family of origin.

Lots of howls of anger, telling me “fambly is everything, you MUST stay close to all of us! How dare you go away?”

Am I missing something?

To me, fambly means: A group of people who feel entitled to hurt you constantly and you have no right to walk away or defend yourself.

Why exactly is fambly important?

I don’t get it.

All I have ever wanted is to get away from all of them.

[MLAA]

1. I don't believe you have any obligation to be around anyone, family or not, that mistreats you let alone abuses you.

Good for you that you made the break! Sending hugs of support! 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

[LiberalLoner]

2. Thank you so much!!! 💙💙💙💙

[Basso8vb]

3. People who get angry at us for setting boundaries

are exactly the kind of people we don't need in our lives.

More power to you for standing up for yourself.

[LiberalLoner]

5. Thank you so much! My husband is so happy I have set boundaries and is very afraid I might let them back in. I won't.💙

[SheltieLover]

3. Having to scapegoat somebody else terrifies them as any one of them could be "it"

Hang in there..

We appreciate you here!

[LiberalLoner]

6. Thank you so so much! 💙💙💙. I think they are just angry to lose their favorite punching bag. They don't

Have to look at their own problems such as alcoholism and other addictions, so long as they can beat up on me and laugh at me.

[SheltieLover]

8. Absolutely! And they absolutely will turn on someone else now that you've extricated yourself

[LiberalLoner]

11. 💙💙💙💙poor next scapegoat.

[wordstroken]

42. I hear you, LiberalLoner. And I feel/felt your pain -- especially from the guilt. But no more punching bag here either.

Our DU family has given me more support than they ever did.
Your courage is inspiring. Thank you so much.
💙💙💙💙💙

[LiberalLoner]

43. Thank you so much! 💙💙💙. I am glad you escaped, too. 🤗🤗🤗🤗

[synni]

7. Your husband is correct

Ignore the gas lighters, get on with your life, and the pursuit of happiness. All the best of luck to you!

[LiberalLoner]

13. Thank you so much! I will try to! 💙💙💙

[SheltieLover]

9. Great book: "Scapegoat Complex"

It is not an easy read, esp for someone who has bn the victim of such maladaptive behavior, but it will explain the underlying issues.

[LiberalLoner]

14. Thank you so so much! 💙💙💙💙. I will find it and read it, even if it is triggering. It might help explain why

When my stepsister called the police over my father beating her mother, and my father was arrested, the whole family including of course my father saw her…the 14 year old who was terrified and called the cops…as the bad person who obviously would become a huge failure in life. (She became a success in every measurable way, beyond what any of them could imagine.)

[LiberalLoner]

17. I just bought the kindle by that author that I think will help me a lot, thanks so much! 💙💙💙I do have C-PTSD which

I guess is very common for family scapegoats.

[SheltieLover]

48. Absolutely it is very common for dysfunctional families to scapegoat one member.

Then when that person leaves or severs ties, guess what? Another member will be targeted for the role.

Think of family therapy like a mobile hanging over a baby's crib. When one toy on a string is touched, the whole thing begins to rock.

[SheltieLover]

22. Perfect example!

You can likely find a used copy relative reasonably priced.

Kudos to your hubby for encouraging you to cut the crazymakers out of your life.

Focus instead on how your life experiences have made you the wonderful person you are!

You might want to get youd hands on a copy of "No Bad Parts," an exemplary read! Any library should have a copy!

[LiberalLoner]

23. Thank you so so much for being so kind and wonderful! 💙💙💙💙💙

[SheltieLover]

49. You are most welcome!

If Psych 101 were taught as a mandatory course in every high school, likely we wouldn't be plagued with these transgenerational maladaptions, but here we are...

Hugs to you!

[wordstroken]

47. Excellent advice. Thank you, SheltieLover.

I just downloaded a copy of Scapecoat Complex. The synopsis is right on target.

I’ll also check out No Bad Parts as well.

Really appreciate your recommendations.
💙💙💙

[SheltieLover]

50. Hi Words

Glad you are finding Scapegoat Complex hitting the mark.

If you want something even deeper, take a peek at "The Inner World of Trauma," by Kalsched. Again, not an easy read by any means, but benchmark work.

Enjoy!

[wordstroken]

53. Will definitely do. Thanks again, Sheltie

[SheltieLover]

51. You might also enjoy looking up testimonials on You Tube regarding Internal Family Systems (re: "No Bad Parts" book)

Great stuff!

I don't have any specific testimonials to recommend, but others have shared with me that people say IFS (Schwartz's work) is "life changing!"

Enjoy!

[wordstroken]

54. On it.

[Hope22]

10. Blood is not necessarily family.

My family sounds like yours. They feel threatened if I say no to them. They need me as the triad in there mix. Without us one of them will have to be the victim and they can’t risk that! A nice strong boundary is your friend. My best to you. You deserve peace. 💗🙏🏼

[LiberalLoner]

15. Thank you so so much. 💙💙💙 I wish you peace and safety, and all the best. 💙💙💙

[NoRethugFriends]

12. Keeping close to abusive people, family or not, is masochism

[LiberalLoner]

16. That's what I always thought too, but the outcry when you go no contact is just deafening, you know? And I wonder why.

[niyad]

19. Because that loses them their target for abuse and ugliness.

[LiberalLoner]

24. Thank you 💙💙💙

[spooky3]

20. A lot of people in society have a Hallmark Cards view of reality

and/or they were among the lucky ones to have a functional family, so that they may honestly not understand what you (and others) went through. That's why listening to your own assessment (with support of others if you have them) is far more important than pleasing others who don't get it.

[LiberalLoner]

25. Thank you so so much 💙💙💙

[niyad]

18. A couple of points from my personal view: the concept of "family" that is

presented as the ideal, the norm, is BS designed to keep us in thrall, and to keep shrinks and big pharma in their big bucks. This family of the blood, this genetic or legal relation is no guarantee that one will find love and support and encouragement. Often, it is abuse and pain. And one has EVERY right to run as far as possible.

Then there is family of the heart, who may, or may not, be genetically or legally related. This family is there for you, supports you, encourages you, loves and cares about you. Some of us have both. For many of us, we are fortunate to have family of the heart.

There is a damned good reason for this old saying, "Your friends are god's way of apologizing for your relatives." (we will leave the discussion of why god inflicted those relatives in the first place for another time.). Or the one that says you can choose your friends, but not your family. However, one can choose, for one's life and well-being, to stay as far away from one's dysfunctional, abusive, hateful (and politically insane) family of the blood as possible, with no need to feel guilt or angst.

[LiberalLoner]

26. Thank you so so much! 💙💙💙💙 I stayed close to my fellow scapegoated stepsister, she is awesome.

I consider her to be more family than the people I share DNA with.

[Amaryllis]

28. Maybe a new definition of family would help. Perhaps it really is not defined by who you share DNA with!

What qualities would you like to have in family? You can choose a new definition, or new qualities and look for people who have those qualities as friends!

[SheltieLover]

52. I couldn't agree more, Niyad!

[get the red out]

21. Thank you

I have always wondered as well. I didn't have the horrible extent of abuse as you, but my Mom was mentally ill and way back in the 70s the most important thing in our family was to keep her from losing her shit and screaming and cursing at everyone for days on end. Then suddenly it never happened and my sister and I would be in gaslight city.

I never understood family, why anyone would allow them in their business all them time, it always seemed like some dangerous shit to me, always on tip-toes waiting on the eruption, and I was the object of disgust and shame after being diagnosed with mental illness and Mom going scott-free because she never got diagnosed for her bat-shit-crazy (until Dad died and my sister and I got her into assisted living and look after her as we can, she has quite advanced dementia now and is nice, but we got her mental healthcare as soon as she got to asst living to keep her from getting kicked out).

I didn't mean to hijack your topic I have a very weird story but I fully acknoledge that many have suffered much worse than me, but I can't recall when I understood devotion to family, I always worried about "incurring the family hatred" until it became clear to me and them that I just didn't give a shit anymore.

[LiberalLoner]

27. OMG walking on eggshells like that is classic being a scapegoat or abuse victim! You were abused too as badly as I was

I am so so sorry and I am glad you are free and safe now 💙💙💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗🤗

[Lonestarblue]

29. I have always defined family in different ways.

My parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, etc., are the family I was born into. I’m fortunate to have good people in my family, but I had no choice in who they are. My friends are the family I chose for myself.

[LiberalLoner]

30. Very wise 💙💙💙💙

[stillcool]

31. I got divorced from what I knew as 'family'

several times, but the last one was final. It's been over 20 years now, and they've been dying off. I married an orphan who like your husband encouraged me to let them go. I never wanted children or any family of my own. Scared the bejesus out of me. Life is so frigging hard. I explained to the matriarch that it was me, not her that necessitated my action. Every time I spoke with her I was instantly snapped back into the high drama of time spent there. I suppose it was different because they weren't 'really' my family, but according to her I owed them big time for not ending up as a 'ward of the state'. That 'family' thing can be so detrimental. I wish you well on your journey. We are all alike, and we are all so very different. Doing what 'you' need to do for you, what feels right, is your choice to make. Pro's and Con's and all that. I didn't live near them anymore either, so didn't have to listen to the party-line bull either. My husband of over 30 years died recently, and left me much stronger because of our ability to find our own way. Just do you.

[LiberalLoner]

32. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard it is to endure such a loss. 💙💙💙💙💙

[stillcool]

34. Thank you. I was surprised...

emotional pain is something I'm familiar with, but nothing could have prepared me. Funny how much of long ago and far away creeps up on me now. I think the pain is what puts me back there. It's never gone, but I think I never dealt with aspects of loss, fear, shame, 'the usual' from back then. It's like 'muscle' memory, only it's 'emotional trauma memory'. I'm learning an awful lot, and as we know the only way through, is through. Can't find a short-cut, or get around it.

[LiberalLoner]

44. 💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗

[Clouds Passing]

33. Growing up in an abusive family, I can attest NO CONTACT is best. They rarely ever accept the

abuse they have doled out and constantly defend their bad behavior. The family scapegoat is the one who gets the worst of the abuse, yet they are the ones most likely to seek and get help. If you are a family scapegoat, their abuse of you will not stop. It is so easy for them to blame you for everything that’s wrong and attack you because of it.

[LiberalLoner]

45. 💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗. Funny thing is, they are the ones who appear, or are, "normal" to the outside world.

[Give Peace A Chance]

35. KnR

I kept trying to adopt myself out to my friend's family.
Didn't work.

[LiberalLoner]

46. 💙💙💙🤗🤗🤗 I mostly daydreamed about suicide every day. Thought about dashing in front of a school bus.

[lostnfound]

36. Life is hard, families fight...but clearly yours must have gone far past the point of deserving forgiveness

You do you.
Do what you need to stay healthy,.

[LiberalLoner]

40. Thank you so much! 💙💙💙some of it is them simply not admitting, or downplaying the abuse....for example, my

Brother who was 8 years older than me, started raping me when I was five, and the family coordinated and colluded to keep it happening because they enjoyed seeing me in pain.

After I grew up, some said I was making it up, my brother said it wasn’t a big deal and my mother said I should have fought harder if I didn’t want it, it takes two to tango after all.

Just one example, I could give hundreds more but don’t want to bore people.

[Festivito]

37. Make sure to keep a proper distance. Even in good families.

It is good to have some contact for health information and death confirmations.

Even if you have to resort to no phone numbers traded, no addresses traded because they abuse even that. You could resort to a post office box, a one-purpose email account, or a burner phone. Each costs a bit of time and money.

At death, someone needs to contact a family member.

And if they really are that much of a bother. You can always answer every question, every statement, every grunt, with "Oh, really." Unless you have to answer them with a restraining order. In that case, get one.

[LiberalLoner]

38. A restraining order is probably most appropriate for my family of origin. Thank you so much! 💙💙💙💙

[Tikki]

39. No...toxic family are not.

Toxic in …no one deserves that.

If you have friends and close people who love you and treat you with respect you have every right to
call them family.

Remember the best love you can show to those you have with you now and who you trust and love
is to NOT bring toxic people into their lives.


Tikki

[LiberalLoner]

41. Yes, thank you...💙💙💙 I regret ever exposing my husband to my toxic family. I wish I had not.

[OldBaldy1701E]

55. ""fambly is everything, you MUST stay close to all of us! How dare you go away?""

I mean no offense to you and yours, but if I have ever seen a statement that tells me their concept of 'family' is 'someone we can use to get what we want'... I don't think I have seen one.



Part of my family is the same way. When you are nothing, they could care less who you are, but when you are flush (and, I don't just mean financially), they appear out of the woodwork talking about 'family'.

I am sorry, LL. You deserve better than those people. To me, 'family' means those people who are there for you, who nurture you, and help you grow, even when you don't want to. I hope you get one of those.

[LiberalLoner]

58. I'm sorry you had difficulties with your family. "A family who will help you grow, even when you don't want to...".

What a horrible concept.

When we turn 18, we are free. No one else gets to force us to change. Nor should any of us be open to the idea of change forced upon us. We should instead defend ourselves vigorously, for anyone trying to “make us grow against our will” is doing nothing less than murdering our soul and harming us deeply in ways that can never be undone.

I will never accept anyone in my life who wishes to force change upon me, and will defend against them with all my might, because my life is literally at stake in such a situation.

I hope and pray I will never have any people near me, who wish to “make me grow against my will.” And if I ever do, I hope I have the strength to get away from them, and restore whatever part of me they damaged in their arrogant and cruel attempt to “make me grow against my will.”

[LiberalLoner]

59. So many people mistakenly think that those who wish to "make you grow against your will"

Mean well and that the end result will be a positive one and not a negative one.

They are not coming from a place of goodwill, and the result will be astonishingly negative, not positive.

I learned very early in life, that the idea of love is a fairy tale that does not exist. No one has ever loved me, and no one ever will.

If a person approaches you in an attempt to dominate and change you, they are doing so only to gain control over you and kill your free will and your ability to think for yourself. Their only wish is to harm you and take joy in your pain.

They are trying to turn you into a programmed robot, like the Jim Jones cult. And just like that cult, the end result will be them forcing you to drink the flavorade, and if it does not result in your literal death (a very strong possibility) it will result in the death of your soul. You will no longer be “you” and you will be replaced with a joyless, thoughtless, miserable robot with not even one molecule of “you” and who has no reason to keep on living.

Freedom is the most important thing in life and worth dying to preserve.

[LiberalLoner]

60. The first poem I ever wrote. Just a rhyming couplet, not anything like a real poem, and actually I have

Never written a real poem in my life, nor will I ever.

But this expresses my spirit, who I am on a soul deep level, perfectly. And that will never change.


I like to be
Alone and free
To think my thoughts
And just be me

[LiberalLoner]

61. ......

?si=r5Q8aQCVpkgrwkSh

[LiberalLoner]

62. And not to change the subject, but just how brilliant is Mr. Copeland's work on this song? Music like this makes life

Worth living!

[LiberalLoner]

63. I wish you, and all the people who might read this, something infinitely nicer and better than what you wished for me.

I wish you family and others in your life, who will let you be you and won’t try to dominate and destroy you in the name of “growth”

I wish you the strength to remain “you” in the Face of any such punishment and harm.

I wish you a spirit that remains until the end of your life, free and unfettered by the demands of others for you to change.

I won’t say I wish you love, because love is just a made up concept, that they use in songs to give people a pie in the sky fairytale to believe in, like Santa Claus.

I wish you the clarity of vision and mind, to remain aware that Santa Claus does not exist.

?si=EMPkHt5y8F8VBLnV

[LiberalLoner]

64. I will say, I believe love is possible between cats and humans, and dogs and humans. I believe in the concept of love

When it comes to that.

But I have never witnessed love, or loving behavior, come from a human being. It just doesn’t exist, at least not in the world I have occupied all my life.

My cat loves me though, which is nice.

Every human being in my life has always either wanted something from me, or wanted to hurt me. Or both. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who did not wish to harm me.

[LiberalLoner]

65. One of the ways people tried to change me the past decade, I think, was to get me to stop giving my art away. I agreed

To that, because that is only a change of a very peripheral thing, not a change in who I am deep down, not a change in my soul.

Now I throw my art away after I finish it.

Much better.

I am grateful to all of you for teaching me my art is worthless, and that I am worthless.

It’s better to stay in touch with reality.

It’s painful, and there isn’t a day I don’t spend some time daydreaming about suicide, but it’s still better to see the truth.

[LiberalLoner]

66. I guess what I wish for everyone here is, a life free of bullies.

[LiberalLoner]

67. In case some of the people reading this are part of the bullying group that has harmed me in recent years, I should

Probably ask, what other changes do you expect of me?

Will you punish me for liking the color purple, for example, and troll me for that?

Will you punish me for liking the flavor of black licorice, or are you okay with that?

How many hours per day will you allow me to sleep, without punishing me by trolling me?

Do I need to change any political beliefs or my belief in science and medicine, in order to avoid punishment from all of you?

Do I need to amputate any of my limbs, or all of them in order to meet your approval and escape years of unrelenting bullying and calls for me to kill myself?

Please let me know up front what I need to change about myself to avoid punishment from all of you.

[OldBaldy1701E]

68. My apologies then. (n/t)

[LiberalLoner]

69. Thank you. 💙💙💙

[LiberalLoner]

70. I'm sorry, it's just that I've gone through an awful time these last few years, with two celebrities and their people

Coming after me and bullying me, using people to befriend me and then laughing with their followers when I trusted the friends and they shared info.

They even involved my extended family and my husband’s family and what seemed to be thousands of others or a larger number.

Just a huge war against me when I never did anything to deserve it. They took art from me and then put me down for my art, and so much more. I was suicidal for literally years with the cyberbullying and that was while undergoing treatment for cancer.

I ended up going no contact with my entire extended family and shut down social media accounts trying to hide, and when I saw the, making you grow comment I thought maybe you were part of that group online and telling me, this is why we did this to you.

I don’t trust anyone anymore. It’s been such an awful experience and I am sure I come across as insane now.

[OldBaldy1701E]

71. "I don't trust anyone anymore."

Well, neither do I, and for what appears to be similar reasons.

What is the old saying? 'Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!'

I have embraced that one for a long time. Because it is true. You also sound like someone who was very used in their life and the users have the unmitigated gall to act like you are the bad person for finally standing up to it. Been there.

You are better than them, though. You are the one 'in the right' and you know this. I hope you can find some peace from all of it. I wish I could.

[LiberalLoner]

72. 💙💙💙💙💙thank you. I am so sorry for what you've gone through and the scars you carry. It's not fair.

I was feeling guilty about not having much at all to do with my father, when I saw his Facebook posts blaming the democratic lawmakers arrested by ice for “shoving ice officials” and how the fake media like the non-RWNJ channels and Time magazine. Says every article is anti Trump lies, making him seem like a dictator.

So my father is seeing the truth, exposed to it, but calls it all lies. He is completely captured by the Trump cult and it’s just impossible to have a relationship with someone like that, on top of all the abuse he never made amends for.

Just too much. Can’t do it.

Don’t want to have anything to do with Trumpers.

All of the Trumpers I know are cruel and messed up people, too. Not a single one is kind and empathetic.

It feels like 99% of the world is made of bad people.

It’s so hard ro trust.

💙💙💙💙💙

[LiberalLoner]

73. PS. Got my second cataract surgery today. Resting at home. I am excited to see how my vision will turn out in the new

Eye. I’m lucky to be able to get cataract surgery.

I think of the people locked out of Medicaid now and the cuts to Medicare.

I hope our side wins.

[OldBaldy1701E]

75. Awesome!

I await the 'Steve Austin' sounds!

[sop]

76. "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves."

[LiberalLoner]

77. I'm in a place where it feels like millions of people hate me and want me dead, and

Are working towards that goal.

Being bullied is a painful experience, and I have endured over ten years of it so far.

And really all of my life I have been bullied, especially growing up.


I find myself wondering if there is any hope for the future, if there is any chance the bullying will ever stop, if there is any chance I might have friends, might have some happiness again in my life.

Or if I should act to spare myself the certain pain the future will hold.

If only I had a crystal ball.

[sop]

78. Don't give up hope, there are a lot of good people out there.

[LiberalLoner]

79. Thank you. I would like to be allowed to come to a place where I can believe I am a person worthy of life.