One of my siblings wants me to help her remain in the closet our father left decades ago.
Dad had moved out to live with his partner in another city, while Mom remained in the town they'd made their home in. She insisted that none of us tell our friends, from high school or anywhere else, about the reason for the divorce. This was in the era of AIDS, the "gay man's disease," and my husband and I were settling into life in another state, thousands of miles away. So this wasn't a hard secret to keep.
Fast forward to now: a year ago I told my Red-State-sister that I'd written a novel, and that I was getting some positive feedback, and the protagonist had a gay father. Would she like to read it before I sent it to agents? No, she didn't want to. And she tried (and failed) to get me to promise that if I ever published it, I would use a pseudonym.
By then she was living more than a thousand miles away from where we went to high school, and we both use our husbands' surnames -- so the chances of any of her Red State friends finding out that her Blue State sister had written a novel with a gay father were incredibly small. I decided it wasn't worth fighting about because the odds of getting it published were tiny.
But now the odds aren't quite as tiny. I have an agent who is getting ready to submit my novel to editors. My agent asked if I was willing to tell the editors that this was an "own voice" story, and I said yes. I've shared biographical information with her that she'll be passing along. I'm done with hiding my parents' secret. They're both gone now and I can't hurt them -- and the story is entirely fictional. I don't even think our parents would have had a problem with it. But I do have that Red State sister, and I'm almost afraid to bring up the topic.
Isn't it sad that, after all this time, my sister still carries the burden of sadness and shame that our parents carried for so long? But there is no way I'm going to work so hard on a novel only to see it published with a fake name!
I hope that my novel finds a home, and I don't lose a sister if it does. . .
= new reply since forum marked as read
I only saw your OP because it was on the front page, and responded because I know you online and know you are a good and kind soul.
Follow that soul and follow the path you were meant to take. A completed book is a monumental personal accomplishment, and taking it into the world even more so. Use your own name — even if you caved in to your sister’s pressure, the sad fact is that she would always know. That burden is hers to carry, not yours.
In 2002 my dissertation was “published” as they say, but only in the world of academia. 250 pages of heart’s blood, sweat, and tears. There were several people who advised me to publish it in the real world, and my Advisor wanted to give me the name of his own agent. Given the nature of my graduate program and my topic, there was a lot of personal stuff in there.
While I was writing it, family members were so pleased, and insisted I send them copies when it was done. In my foolishness I did so. When my mother got her copy and started it, she went ballistic and stopped reading after 20 pages. Whatever it was she said to my siblings I don’t exactly know, only that I let my family crush me. To this day I cannot bring myself to reread it.
I had plenty to do in the antiwar movement from 2002 onwards, but I never contacted an agent or publisher.
Pnwmom, please do not let yourself be dissuaded. What you do matters to you, your kids, and anyone who reads your words. 
PS: Please let us know when it comes out! 💕
I'll try to remember to let you know if I manage to find a home for this.
I'm so sorry about what happened to your dissertation. I hope you still have it somewhere. Have you considered letting your daughter read it?
