My emotions have been all over the place this last week
Actually, my emotions have been all over the place since Tommy's passing on Jan 1st this year.
I would like to share with you a bit of our lives with you in honor of My Tommy. I am so proud of the man he was. I am so honored he asked me share our lives together, 41 years ago. I shared this on another social site because nearly all of Tommy's associates of the last five decades are there. I wanted to share it you guys too.
I share this hoping you might see who we were. I've found some really nice people here on DU who I get to chat with when I have the chance to sign on. It's quite the long read so I won't be offended if you see it's length then click off the page. There is nothing written here but a glimpse into our lives. As I said my emotions are running wild right now because something in my life is happening now and I am not sure what the outcome will be in the next few months but it's approaching much faster than I had hoped for. I don't mean to be secretive but I don't want pity.
Thank you for being kind. If you read, I hope you will enjoy. I love talking about My Tommy!
Reis
Tommy, his career and his secret life.
I’m every bit of a part of Tommy’s career. After 9/11, Tommy had been more affected by it than anyone knew. We did not personally know anyone who died that day. But the impact of how so many people died by an act of war in our own country, hit Tommy like nothing else. I remember that day and how he called me and wanted to come home immediately, but he felt it was important to the company that he stay at work. That night I remember how tight he held me in his arms the second he walked through the door. He cried, told me how much he worried about me all day and I thought he was never going to release me from his embrace.
A few weeks later, Tommy asked me to quit working and walk away from my career. He said we spent far too many hours apart because I worked late and most weekends and we never got to see each other very much. He was worried about additional attacks and how if something were to happen in Charlotte, we should be prepared. He had me pack supplies and clothes to always keep in the foyer and if something should happen, where were we to meet to leave town. Tommy stayed in a state of anxiety that he hid from other people for years.
Tommy asked me to quit and stay home, and I did. Anything Tommy asked me, I did. I had always been the caregiver of our family and took my new role for our family very seriously. Even when I worked, I would lay out Tommy’s clothes for the next morning for his work. I prepared his breakfast every morning even though he always left before I did. I became a very dedicated house husband. I must admit, I loved it!
Then came more interaction with Tommy’s work. Tommy took me to lunch every day at 11 am for the nearly two decades. I would meet him or pick him up at the office. I always kept my head down in the parking lot. If anyone from Tommy’s office showed up where we ate, I would soon get up and leave before Tommy did. If we ran into co-workers on weekends, I would keep walking while he stopped to talk with them. I always waited just out of sight until he joined me again. We always had to hide who we truly were. A family. A family of our own, in love. We grew up in a different world. A world where you could lose your job for being gay. I would not allow Tommy to lose his career because of me. Tommy would say, “Reis, if it happens, it happens. Don’t walk away.” And I always replied, “I am not going to be the reason you lose your job” So, that’s why we had to hide who we were.
He wanted me to go to after hour parties and holiday parties and I would say “NO!” So, he normally did not go to them. Some people can be very cruel and so willingly use that against him to advance their career. He did know of a few people at work who made snide remarks and played office politics, thinking they were being clever, but Tommy always knew their words were to degrade him. He never retaliated or showed it bothered him, because Tommy was the world’s most decent man. Other than homophobes, no one could say a bad word about Tommy, and I was damned if I was going to be the reason he lost his job.
When we finally earned our basic human, civil right to marry, Tommy wanted to bolt to the courthouse. I said “NO! It’s too soon. Give people the time to get use to us having our civil rights.” After appeasing me for a few years, Tommy had had enough and said “We’re getting married. You are never to walk away from me in public again! And get use to me introducing you as my husband!” He meant it and we married, just the way he wanted. Court House, Gay Best Men, Private. The only thing I really got to decide was our suits and our Honeymoon, which we both knew would be at the Biltmore, in Asheville. The very first place he took me, three weeks after we met in 1984.
This was the life we had to lead back then. After becoming a stay-at-home spouse (though we were not legally married back then), after 9/11. I became even more involved with Tommy’s work even though most of you who worked with Tommy never knew. I bought the birthday cards and cakes, the holiday gifts and gift certificates. I kept up with associates’ birthdays, marriages, birth of children, promotions, kids’ graduations. I would tell Tommy what to write on those cards, and what was and wasn’t appropriate as a gift for each occasion. I knew about the inter-office activities, company policies, HR, and everything you could think of. If Tommy knew it, so did I, because I supported his career and his every decision.
Tommy had a deadline to meet and one of his co-workers was out sick for several days. (Mind you Tommy NEVER called his employees an employee, he called them co-workers and associates) Tommy brought home plan-o-grams and taught me to make the strips for the shelves and other things in the store packets. I worked all morning, gave them to him at lunch and he gave me more. That night he brought home the rest, and we worked until nearly midnight together, getting most of it done. Tommy said he would get up early and into the office and finish it because it was due at the printers by the afternoon so the 1000s of monthly packets would go out to the stores on time. Tommy could sleep through a hail storm the minute his head would hit the pillow. As soon as I knew he was asleep, I got up and started a pot of coffee and finished it all by the time he got up at 4am. He was grateful. I told him not to expect me for lunch and after fixing his breakfast and laying out his clothes for work, I went to bed. Tommy woke me up just after 11am, he brought home lunch for me. That’s how Tommy and I always were with each other. Sacrificing and unconditional love for each other.
So, you see, I was every bit a part of Tommy's career as his company was. I’m proud of it!
After he asked me to quit working, I kept up with everything for our home and I became a part of his career. Our lives became intertwined even more and we loved it. And yet, we had to keep it a secret. Isn’t that unbelievable now, in this day and age? When all we wanted was to shout from the highest mountain our love for each other!
Tommy would joke and ask me “When should I tell the office you’re on payroll?” and I always replied, “When the office can afford to pay me more than they pay you!”. We would just laugh! We loved our life together!
I hope I was able to share with those of you who worked with Tommy more about the amazing man he truly was. I am so proud of My Tommy!
May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy AND LOVED!
Reis, Tommy’s Proud and Loving Husband
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My NB kid and their BF live near Asheville, and have had slurs said and been spit on for holding hands publicly on their anniversary, just last year. 
I love that you had so many great years of love and devotion!! It's not so often we get to hear love stories from before marriage was "allowed" (that still pisses me off... ) And I really love how much you were there for eachother, you were a great husband, even before the piece of paper :hugs:
Must have read your story while having an allergy attack, my eyes are all watery 
in sharing, you too, are able to feel Tommy's spirit metaphorically enfold you. 
Tommy would not want you to be unhappy, always remember that and carry on. 
are very lucky to have shared a 50 year life journey with Tommy. You are strong and you are loved by us. RIP Tommy and may the memories of Tommy be a blessing to you.
The love you shared shines out from every word, every paragraph, every moment when they're read.
You two were so lucky and so blessed! Sharing and living this great love speaks volumes to me.
You have kept your love alive by your great writing.
It is so beautiful. My husband and I will be together 41 years this year in August. He is my heart. I'm so glad you and Tommy had such a wonderful relationship, and I wish with all my heart that you both had more time together. I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you again for sharing your life together with all of us.
Thank you for sharing your story and heartache at this tender moment 
