The Borowitz Report-Hegseth's Meeting Backfires as Military Audience Starts Chanting, "Epstein, Epstein"

[LetMyPeopleVote]

“Hegseth's Meeting Backfires as Military Audience Starts Chanting, "Epstein, Epstein…"

Sigh. If only.

— Brent Toderian (@brenttoderian.bsky.social) 2025-09-30T22:14:23.838Z

https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/hegseths-meeting-backfires-as-military

QUANTICO, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump’s plan to indoctrinate the nation’s top brass backfired spectacularly on Tuesday when the military audience started chanting, “Epstein, Epstein.”

Initially, Hegseth attempted to be heard over the roaring generals, but then burst into tears, sending mascara streaking down his cheeks.

Recognizing that the audience had turned against him, a panicked Donald Trump tried to flee the building but was foiled when the escalator he boarded suddenly lurched to a halt.

As the assembled commanders rose to their feet and continued the “Epstein” chant, Hegseth stormed off the stage and was heard muttering, “Fuck it, I’m going back to drinking.”

[tblue37]

1. Wanna bet PeeWee Hegseth never stopped drinking?

[sheshe2]

2. LOL

[Srkdqltr]

3. That never happened. Don't say stuff like that people might believe.

Nothing will come of this.

[Polybius]

4. It said "Borowitz Report" in the title

It's the biggest satire site in the world. Nearly everyone knows it.

[LetMyPeopleVote]

5. Ir is hard to do satire in today's world

The Borowitz Report does a great job

[Jack Valentino]

6. Yeah, it's "Just Dance" Vance who wears the masquera.....

[Totally Tunsie]

7. LOL - "Down" escalators become stairs, too, donnie.