Trump makes preparations for life after November
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) — Former president, current Republican presidential candidate and member of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted Criminals list Donald Trump knows he will win the 2024 presidential election. He also knows the paltry $400,000 salary the job provides is far too low to satisfy his extreme spending habits, so he must do something to make more money.
Which is why he has become an Amway distributor.
“Amway has been making America great again since before I was born,” said Mr. Trump. “Some of the richest people in America - not as rich as me, but still really rich - are Amway distributors. With me in the great Amway system founded by the beautiful DeVos and Van Andel families, we will not only make America great again but also bring prosperity to the millions who will join my downline.”
Amway, known as America’s Worst Pyramid Scheme, bankrupts pretty much everyone who joins it. Trump believes he will be the exception. “It’s just the losers who don’t understand business, like me, who do bad in Amway. Look at Dexter Yager, the greatest Amway salesman of them all. He had mansions and jets, all from Amway. I can do the same thing.” While the late Dexter Yager was indeed a millionaire who owned mansions and jets, all those things came from his side business of manufacturing and selling training materials, which Amway distributors call tools, and running Amway seminars. Yager’s core Amway business, which enabled him to sell tools and host seminars, operated at a loss like everyone else’s does.
Daniel F Martuscello III, commissioner of the New York State Department of Corrections and Community Supervision, who will be Trump’s landlord after the election, is not pleased: “We don’t see being an MLM member as an appropriate job for a New York inmate. He won’t be allowed to do that in any of our prisons.” Special Counsel Jack Smith, currently prosecuting Trump over the attack on the Capitol in 2021 and appealing a dismissal of a case about him stealing classified documents, is similarly down on his new business. “Amway products and training materials are considered contraband in federal prisons so he won’t be able to do Amway while he’s locked up.”
Trump’s supporters feel differently; over 10,000 of them have “broken their kits” - Amway speak for joining the company. “I never thought about joining Amway until America’s Greatest President did,” said Mary Allen, a new distributor. “I’m going to be Founders Crown Ambassador before you know it!” The very rare Founders Crown Ambassador rank, Amway’s highest, requires many years to achieve and honors people who build worldwide Amway networks. Mrs. Allen’s entire house is currently filled with pallets of household goods purchased from Amway that she is trying to sell. “I know people want these great products. You just need to work hard and riches will fall onto you.”
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