Everything Still Sucks, But at Least the Worst People Alive Are Getting COVID (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Sometimes I see the kids on the internet say someone is “having a normal one” when actually that someone is behaving highly abnormally, usually in a Look at This Screeching Freak sort of way. So when I say “the news is having a normal one,” I actually mean quite the opposite; it’s a festive bit of contemporary slang, you see.
(Find this post, with news links and lord knows what else, here: http://showercapblog.com/everything-still-sucks-but-at-least-the-worst-people-alive-are-getting-covid/)
Well, that was one helluva weekend, waiting to see whether or not karma was really gonna take this Murderously Incompetent Fascist Idiot problem off our hands, wasn’t it? Probably the best thing about being Shower Cap right now is that I don’t have to pretend I’m not cheerleading for Hairplug Himmler’s demise. Folks, every single time a Nazi dies, it’s a good thing, because there’s one less Nazi in the world.
Team Treasonweasel went straight to work doing the one thing they do best: destroying their own credibility. The expected obfuscating press conference from Donnie Dotard’s doctors (and this Conley guy is a regular Sarah Slanders in a lab coat) provided a comforting facsimile of our regular White House gaslighting sessions, but the addition of a sweaty, panicked Mark Meadows, screaming OFF THE RECORD THE SKY IS FALLING was inspired.
Point is, whatever the fuck is going on with Old Man Poosquirt’s health, nobody trusts the government to be even marginally honest about it. Life under fascism sure is fun and relaxing!
One way or another, it seems he took a fistful (and a real fistful, by the way, not a tiny, inadequate, Trump fistful) of experimental drugs (none of which are hydroxychloroquine, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!) and needed supplemental oxygen plus somebody suggesting doing a brain transplant with an orangutan just to see if anybody’d notice.
Well, nobody wants Tangerine Idi Amin to make a speedy recovery and a safe return to the desk with the pardon forms in it more than Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who has been accused by members of his own office of various acts of bribery, abuse of power, and other naughtiness-adjacent behaviors. I mention this in case you forgot, amidst all the shitty hospital drama, that the entire Republican Party, coast-to-coast, is hopelessly, irredeemably corrupt, and must be destroyed.
If they weren’t all shitbags working on behalf of a monster, I’d feel sorry for Sharty McFly’s surrogates, but they are, so I don’t. Still, it can’t be easy trying to spin “Absolute Dumbass Dumbasses Himself Into Hospital With COVID-19,” but attempting to deride Handsome Joe Biden over his comparative lack of “firsthand experience” was such perfect coloring book Orwell hooey I honestly had to applaud.
And whose heart wasn’t warmed by the return of that beloved old chestnut, President Crotchvoid Tries to Appear Busy By Signing Blank Sheets of Paper?
Anyhow, as a frothy stew of steroids and Adderall gurgled and boiled inside the Cadbury Creme Egg he calls a brain, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot suddenly decided the last remaining obstacle to American greatness was the overabundance of healthy Secret Service agents, and so he ordered several of the human beings who risk their lives for him daily into a hermetically sealed SUV with his contagious ass so he could take himself a little Sunday evening drive to say hi to what was frankly an embarrassingly small crowd for a hospitalized President.
I don’t believe Joe Biden has a tab on his issues page that specifically deals with How Much Human Suffering Are You Willing to Inflict for a Self-Aggrandizing Photo Opp, but, here as elsewhere, I trust him to be an upgrade over the incumbent.
Even though the entire fucking world has seen the housewarming party they threw for COVID-19, the Superspreader Administration is actually obstructing the CDC from conducting contact tracing, which is...pretty much murder, y’know? It’s a thing they could easily do, but while it would save lives, it would almost certainly lead to more embarrassing headlines for the Emperor of Hemorrhoids, and therefore, all those savable lives must be lost. Obscene.
And there’s no shortage of the embarrassing headlines anyway, as the Trump/Coney Barrett corona cannon keeps right on spreadin’ disease through the highest halls of power. Fat Q*bert’s body man has it. Kayleigh McEnany and her entire dang staff have it, and now even the Joint Chiefs are forced to quarantine because the leaders of the executive branch are too fucking stupid to follow instructions roughly equivalent to Do Not Operate Toaster in Bathtub. I can’t remember if Chris Christie had quite received the wages of his sycophancy when the last blog went up, but if I have to laugh at him twice, I’ll live.
Journalists got infected because of these assclowns. White House housekeepers. Where’s their helicopter to Walter Reed, you fucks?
Now, we won’t know for sure until the votes are counted, but the truth is, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster falling victim to a coronavirus outbreak of his own making in his own house likely puts re-election permanently beyond his reach, like giving up an 8th inning grand slam when you were already losing by 11 runs, which is what makes what happened next so unforgivable.
Because the deranged dolt seems to believe he’s stumbled upon the very miracle he needed to reverse his political woes! Call forth the make-up artists and the lighting crew! It’s time for another North Korea-style authoritarian show of strength! Why, this is even better, stronger, and biglier than clearing Lafayette Square with tear-gas-lobbing rent-a-Gestapo thugs!
And so he defiled Marine One yet again with his presence and his disease, returning to the Shart House, where he immediately removed his mask, a symbolic gesture he believed read as “Gaze upon me, I have conquered this dread contagion for I am mighty and nothing shall e’er overcome me,” while what America actually saw was more along the lines of “I am a sociopath who intends to keep deliberately spreading a lethal virus because human life means nothing to me.”
And just a quick pro tip, bro: forty seconds of labored wheezing while you struggle and fail to hide the existential terror in your eyes doesn’t project strength the way you think it does.
But yeah, the idea truly appears to be Well I Beat Covid ASTERISK With The Greatest Medical Care Available Anywhere on Earth ASTERISK ASTERISK Pay No Attention to Any Similarities to the Herman Cain Timeline THE POINT IS Only Pussies Die From This Thing I Was Right All Along and now he just lays back and waits for the electoral landslide to wash over him.
Politically, this is, of course, insane; the electorate’s reaction to Donnie Two-Scoops’ mendacious pandemic response has not been subtle. You told us it would go away, dude. You told us to INJECT BLEACH. Your ability the shape the public’s perception of this pandemic is non-existent outside of Tucker Carlson’s viewership.
This won’t earn him any votes. In fact, it’s likely to bury him further, as a covid-weary nation wails in frustrated rage, knowing he’s only emboldened his loser cultists to keep on spreading the goddamn virus, which must be wondering if it’s on some hidden camera show by now, such has been its unbelievable luck since finding its way into a nation “governed” by Donald John Trump.
I mean, I wouldn’t have imagined it was possible if I hadn’t seen it with my own two weary eyes, but the demented motherfucker managed to turn a HOSPITAL STAY into a platform to spread disinformation that will lead to even more suffering and death. I will never again doubt that there will always be new depths of evil to discover within this man.
But he really believes all of this will be perceived as “strength,” that a terrified America will simply have no choice in the end but to rush to him, and cling, childlike, to the legs of his ridiculous balloon pants. One of Donald Trump’s biggest political liabilities is that he believes everyone else is as emotionally broken as he is.
In the background, wingnut SCOTUS loons Clarence Thomas and Sanctimonious Sam Alito sent a little note to their illegitimate would-be colleague, Amy Coney Barrett, via a comment on a case relating to Celebrity Bigot Deadbeat Kim Davis, just a quick little “wish you were here so we could roll back LGBTQ rights together!” and a reminder that a shitty theocrat minority really really really really really wants to drag America back to 1950’s.
Look, I know I haven’t been peer-reviewed or anything, but my studies show that whatever non-approved drug cocktail they’re sprinkling on the president’s breakfast cereal doesn’t mingle with chronic narcissism in a manner that enhances leadership capabilities, as demonstrated by the Manchurian Manchild’s surprise midday tantrum, unilaterally ending coronavirus stimulus negotiations.
So, less than a month from Election Day, trailing by seemingly more and more in each new poll, Shart Garfunkel’s brilliant new strategy is to sign his name as largely as possible on a billboard that says FUCK OFF AND DIE, AMERICA! He says he won’t negotiate until after the election; like...I think he thinks what he’s accomplishing is blackmail, rather than self-sabotage. “I won’t let Democrats alleviate any of the suffering I’ve caused” is...well, as a closing argument, it’s novel, I’ll grant that much.
It’s impressive. I didn’t actually think there were, at this late date, any new positions available to be taken that would be so blockheadedly self-destructive but, as Ian Malcolm said, “stupid, uh, finds a way.”
...you were better off with the blank sheets of paper, kid.
Ok, friends, we’re in the home stretch now. If you’ve got a little spare change, I can help you spend it. Use the Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide to donate to the Dems fighting to hold the House and Flip the Senate! And check out my second ever comic book, MINE, now live on Kickstarter!
http://showercapblog.com/fascist-flushing-2020-guide-house/
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/mine-1?ref=user_menu
Me, I’m about to have one of those nights where I drink the last can/bottle from every almost-finished six-pack in the fridge, so I figure this is probably my best shot at getting super powers. I could sure use ‘em. Stay safe out there, Resisters...
...wait, what’s this? Sneering Hatemarmot Stephen Miller has contracted the coronavirus as well? Well golly, I could go through my sofa cushions, lookin’ for any unspent thoughts and prayers, but I think I’ll just laugh till my throat bleeds instead.
= new reply since forum marked as read
He's sure as heck going to try to kill us with his (I really know of no word for this, but, it's a combination of stupid/machiavellian/intrigue. Where's that damn Shakespeare when you need him?) plots.
It's like watching one of those bumbling criminal gang kid's movies from the last century. A mashup of "Goonies"/"National Treasure"/"Masque-of-the-Red-Death". Only stupid and equally terrifying.
Oh, the humanities!
I'm beyond words and agog. There's no way to describe the last two weeks and from all indications it's only going to get worse!
You stay safe too, SC. I'm counting on your vote being the one that pushes us over into Bidenolian Space. We're almost there!
Thanks for everything.
